About 90 percent of people on my Facebook account seem to have a mirror fetish, so I write everything backwards so they can read it.

When you go abroad you should be careful of muggers, rapists and murderers also don't drink the dirty water.
But as soon as you get out of the UK you should be fine.

My son told me he's been getting bullied at school. In preparation of dealing with the situation, he came to me for advice. "Son", I said. "The only thing I can say to you is look before you leap. Poor planning could leave you in a lot of pain. You need to land head-first for certainty."

Temple run,
Only realistic if you spend ten
thousand and buy the black guy.

You want to win an argument?
Accuse somebody of always contradicting you.

Tip for staying safe in the underground:
All the safety videos/posters show a man recklessly running with a briefcase, tripping up.
Answer: Don't carry a briefcase around.

Have you ever felt like you've had a sudden loss of hearing? Repeating the same thing over & over again and getting nowhere? Does your temper escalate furiously?
Then you've dialed 118 118.

Just heard that announcment in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't trust.
bit late now i left my luggage with the Mcanns an hour ago and have not seen it since

Putting petrol into a diesel car is like pouring Gin into a woman.
You're guaranteed at some point in the night, she's going to breakdown.

Some people say love makes the world go round, others say it's money, I say it's the suns gravitational attraction

If your mother-in-law dies just remember - the gathering that takes place after the burial is called 'the wake.'
Not 'the afterparty.'

If you see a black cat later on, im going to kick it under a ladder into a mirror and then throw a salt shaker at it.

My wife's been telling me to watch my drinking...
so now I only go to bars with mirrors.

People on nights out :
Convince the world you are having a great time by updating your facebook status every 2 minutes about how good it is and how jealous we should all be.

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Replace your front door with a backless wardrobe filled with large coats this winter to recreate the magic of Narnia every time you leave your house.

Never get into a fight with someone who has a large tattoo on their neck.
Do they look the kind of person who has anything to lose?

Whenever you feel down just do what i do, scratch a scratch card near a homeless guy and then go nuts shouting you've won ten grand, once you see the look on their face you'll instantly feel good again.

My friends recommended to me that I join Apathetics Anonymous to remedy my depression, but I'm just not bothered.

Do you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face?
People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face. But we can raise awareness. 93% of people won't get this...
They need a punch in the face.

My mate said he was going to start up his own business"hot air balloon rides for fat people".
I said "cant see it taking off mate".

At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for that day.
Teach a man to fish and then sell him all your old and unwanted fishing tackle.

MESSAGE TO ALL SECURITY EQUIPMENT COMPANIES;
Save money on expensive motion-sensor equipment, by replacing them all with automatic had-driers.

Being dragged to dinner at the in-laws by the missus?
Help yourself to a spicy curry with a little bit of laxative before you go, thus avoiding being dragged there ever again.