I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine.
So I always take a two litre bottle of it wherever I go just in case.
Next time someone says "You owe me big time", arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up.
Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself every 15 seconds.
Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit.
That way only one lung will fill with blood.
Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the bus stop.
Top tip: Africans, lessen your hardship by living somewhere where things will actually grow, and preferably not 20 miles from the nearest water.
I was getting money out of the ATM earlier and it asked me if I wanted an 'advice slip' with my cash, so I hit yes....
Out came a note saying 'stop using the benefit system to fund your crack habit'
Why do we have to wear seatbelts on planes?
Has there ever been a time when a air crash investigator has viewed a plane crash scene and said, if only they were wearing seatbelts.
end of the world in 2012? just immigrate to romania.they are 100 years behind....
There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts.
When someone sees you crying, and asks: "Are you sad?"
Punch them in the face, and ask: "Are you okay?"
I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I.
INVESTMENT TIP
If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today;
If you purchased 1,000 worth of canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminium cans for recycling, you would have 188 left today;
Based on this example, my investment tip is:
(i) Avoid bank shares
(ii) Drink canned beer heavily and
(iii) Sell the cans for recycling
Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher.
Another washing machine ruined...
Teenage boys.
The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any unwanted hard-ons.
Taxi Drivers:
Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal.
My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad advice indeed.
I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks.
DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown labradors.
I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now.
I should probably stay away from there in future.
Top Tip for London tourists:
Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at night and looking up.
Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't.
"Keep your trap shut!" my dad always said.
I resent him for that.
So does my greyhound.
Top Tip:
Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles your chances of becoming a superhero.
muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings at ASDA?
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
