Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine away.

Unemployed People.
A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have nothing to do today.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him "What's the matter with you." The Irishman replies, "I'm not going near that thing until you get it fixed!"

What's the definition of gross?
Dreaming you're eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.

Contact lens wearers.... Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.

Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park?

My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket,
Personally I think he's full of sheet.

Don't just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces.
Leave a window open.

I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly.
It went in one ear and out the other.

I've come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say "I bet you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody's name in it, you can choose the name". At which point she'll agree and choose a name. You'll then sing "Happy Birthday" with whichever name she's chosen, you can do this as many times as you want.

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags

Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift.

After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised "there's money in computers!" turns out there wasnt. Also i need to replace two of his computers.

Mum: Be careful
Me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly dangerous.

Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young.

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning.

Tip of the day: Never high-five a muppet whilst wearing a velcro glove.

Join the US Army.
You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat.
Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy.

Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled seats upstairs.

Word of advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryanair sick bag - they turn out to be even more disappointing.

Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you.

If I had a pound for everytime I lost a pound, I would be no better off.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

Top Tip:
Tired of cramped conditions on air flights?
To get a whole row to yourself, simply stare at your shoes and say, "Come on!"

If alcohol isn't the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked.