If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper.

Just a little bit of advice for any parents that are reading this.
If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle.
It's far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle.
It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight now.

Saw an advert for this new show called "Bulging Brides" in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress.
2 Months! Just to fit into a dress?
I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks.

Top Tip:
If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, "I find you very attractive...and that's not just the booze talking!"

Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer.

Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets...
You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out.

Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish.
It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish.

Tip of the day:
When a police officer says to you "Put your hands up."
Don't say, "For Detroit."

After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favourite children's film "Babe":
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till.

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

I went for a job interview.
"Where would you like to see yourself in five years time?" he asked me.
I thought and said, "Suspended on full pay."

If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is.

They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries.
Why can't they just put the date there?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

My boss once told me, "Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want".
Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler

The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, "You know what they say, you should never work with children or animals."
"That's an old theatre saying, isn't it?" I replied.
"No, it's what the police told us when we did your CRB check."

People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia!

So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure... You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!"

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, youll never know the value of money. But I still think it wouldve been nice for them to pay that ransom.

Call Of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains.

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems.
How do I prove him wrong?

I asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first.
That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, "Okay, pencils down."