I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Kids, save your parents money on purchasing a 'Fanta Frozen' by instead getting a normal bottle of Fanta and putting it in the freezer.

Do you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face?
People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face. But we can raise awareness. 93% of people won't get this...
They need a punch in the face.

My mate said he was going to start up his own business"hot air balloon rides for fat people".
I said "cant see it taking off mate".

At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for that day.
Teach a man to fish and then sell him all your old and unwanted fishing tackle.

Hiccups sufferers:
Become a bomb-diffuser. That way, the resultant terror of an ill-timed hiccup will instantly cure those troublesome hiccups.

Mighty ships: "the captain must push his ship, and his crew, as hard as he can to meet the deadline"
wouldn't the engines be faster?

MESSAGE TO ALL SECURITY EQUIPMENT COMPANIES;
Save money on expensive motion-sensor equipment, by replacing them all with automatic had-driers.

When it comes to driving men think they own the road and women think no one else is on the road.............

I have bibliophilia, but I only really show symptoms when I'm on the toilet.
Yesterday I read a box of my mum's tampons because I couldn't reach the conditioner.

Next time someone rings your home phone test their inteligence by repling with,
"Hi, can I call you back I'm driving"

Iceland ready meals.
They taste of poverty and broken dreams.

If there was slightly wider bottleneck of Jack Daniel's bottle, I swear to God I would never marry anyone.

I've been reading Dear Deirdre's photo casebook in The Sun newspaper for a while now and have come to the inescapable conclusion that women can't give deep thought to anything - unless they are in their underwear.

If a woman asks you a question, choose what you say carefully. Chances are, she already knows the answer

Unwritten rules: we should just write them down and then there'd be no argument.

Wooden spoons are handy because you can use them to prepare food.
If you haven't got time for that, just write a number on one then take it to the pub and say, "Where's my dinner?"

Shopkeepers - show you care for your loyal customers by clearing away all the snow from the path outside your store, leaving only a thin film of sheet ice underfoot for them to walk on.

Never ride faster than your Guardian Angel can fly

Keep getting hard-ons in appropriate places? Sick of trying to hide your erection when standing up on the bus? Just do what I do, upload the sound of your front door opening and a laptop slamming shut onto your iPod, works a treat.

Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by telling them they are the fattest girl you have ever been out with.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot people in the eyes.

I was given the advice that being dark and mysterious is what girls want so I decided to try it out at the bar on a girl. "Do you believe in karma?" I asked.
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Well I'm going to get struck by lightening tomorrow for what I'm about to do to you," I said with a wink.
Apparently you can be too dark.

Never trust a woman who has a pet snake, or any pets, or no pets.