dishonoured muslim families: keep out of jail by simply disowning your adulteress children instead of having them murdered its a lot cheaper too

Not even "In-private" browsing can stop your mum walking in on you.

Save precious brain cells by only remembering the letters in the alphabet that you use most fre uently.

Like my nan always used to say: stab first...
I never caught the last part because I stabbed her.

Philanderers: wear shirts with lipstick-coloured collars.

When dining with African Americans, be wary of overusing the word 'beef'.
For example, if there is a piece of beef between you and a fellow diner, for your own safety, refrain from stating that fact aloud.

I was on the train home after a night out, and I noticed that the girl opposite me was removing her make up at exactly the same rate as I was sobering up.
At least I think she was...

I was on the tube with my wife, and I heard a message on the loudspeakers.
'Stay close love,' I said to her.
'Why?' She replied.
'Because the message said do not leave bags unattended.'

Advice from the Met Office:
"If possible stay out of the heat during the middle part of the day; cool yourself down; keep your environment cool and look out for others, especially older people, those living alone and babies and young children."
Talk about stating the obvious!
That's who I normally target.

My Dad was a great man, the many lessons he taught me, while harsh at the time really helped build character. For example, a Protection-spec warrior or paladin makes an ideal tank.

Old Biddies - Easter will neither be 'very late' nor 'very early' this year. So that's one less pointless conversation you can have with each other.

TOP TIP:
OIL COMPANIES. Buy twenty quid's worth of groceries at Safeway and you'll be given a voucher for 20p off a litre of petrol. Send one of your tankers and fill it up with 20,000 litres and save 4 grand. Then sell it at your own petrol stations at the normal price. Safeway are in some disarray at present and are unlikely to work out your scam, and you won't have to rob your employees pension funds to boost up your profits.

My wife keeps complaining that I'm far too dominant.
I'm going to have to get on top of that.

Be a good Samaritan and save cash by simply kicking the blind homeless guys money box, making him think you've made a donation.

I eat too much, I sleep too much, and I don't exercise at all. There's certainly room for improvement. I think I'll take up smoking.

If you see a policeman driving a bit close behind you, don't show them the error of their ways by giving them a quick "Brake check!"
They don't like it.

My son always misbehaved and there was nothing I could do about it
So I asked an expert and she said the next time he has a tantrum don't get angry, just splash him with some water.
I though this was weird but I tried it anyway. However it just made him worse. He just screamed even more.
I should probably not use the kettle next time...

My mates keep telling me that if I keep believing everything they keep saying to me, my brain will explode.
So now I accuse them of lying, just in case.

To all the A level students who got their results but weren't too happy, just remember 2 things
1) you tried your hardest,
2) I dont like gherkins on my big mac's!

Crimewatch -
Get more viewers and make your reconstructions less harrowing by simply putting them on fast forward and have Benny Hill music playing in the background.

What happened to the girl covered in barcodes?
Everybody kept checking her out.

David Cameron : Why not spend the money saved on cutting budgets for education and councils by keeping Libyan civilians alive long enough so they can eventually claim Income Support

I think the dole office is a great place to meet people, I've met all my drug dealers there.

So the other day my girlfriend told me subtly that she was pregnant by saying that she was eating for two now.
Apparently saying, 'oh, you've gone on a diet have you?' was not an acceptable response.

OLD LADIES. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.