Top Tip
Girls date a zombie. He'll love you for your Brains.

Dont discard your old Banana skins, they make ideal sun hats for starfish.

I couldn't quite see what the sign said, so I stood up.
It said "Keep your head down".

Steal from pessimists, they'll never bother with the police.

Before you let a motivational poster motivate you, ask yourself, "If it's so good, why are these people making posters instead of climbing mountains?"

Practical Joke:
When you're at work and bored out of your mind, try this:
Write a note to your boss saying that a Miss Hughes phoned and needs them to ring her back ASAP.
Then scroll the number for either the local Dolcis, Barratts or Clarks down and watch their face when they look like a tool ringing the number.

I'll always remember the day my teacher asked me 'Didn't your Mother teach you not to play with fire?' No, I replied, never really knew my Mother, she was killed in a chip pan fire in 1994.

Avoid wear and tear on your childrens teeth by instead of giving them boiled sweets , give them frozen brussel sprouts to suck .....

When shopping for my wife, should I go through a pimp or use Russian mail order?

TOP TIP
Save 40 pence per week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine.

Policemen: Fool everyone into thinking you're not a racist by badly dancing a calypso at the Notting Hill carnival, whilst grinning inanely.

I just watched an advert which said "no one knows P&O cruises like Thomas Cook"
I don't want to be pedantic but surely P&O know better!

We went out for an awesome night of delight and romance tonight, on our return home my girlfriend shocked me by asking me to hit her with my most private fantasy.
Tera Patricks POV Box Set wasn't quite what she was thinking of.

A recent study has found that it is therapeutic for women to make sandwiches.
The next time your wife is upset, suggest that she makes you one.

Resession money saving tip #37
Save money on belts by starting to buy pants that fit

BODY BUILDERS:
Save time and money blending up all your meals by placing the food directly in your mouth and moving your lower jaw up and down until the food is mashed up enough for swallowing.

"It's a dog eat dog world out there."
Maybe if Indonesians followed this instead of the "Man eat dog" criteria, they wouldn't be so poor...

The New Audi R8 Spyder...
because your bald patch isnt quite getting the attention it deserves

I always thought I was allergic to shampoo,
Turns out your not suppose to drink it.

Leave yourself a note beside your toothpaste for when you are drunk.
"Not astronaut food".

Make Calls to insurance companies or banks more interesting by watching Babestation on mute.

There are two types of people in the world:
1) Those who can deduce complete facts from incomplete data

I gave my son some valuable advice today. I told him "Put your money where your mouth is."
Little spastic choked to death on a tenner.

My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'.
That's why I now own my own strip club.

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to him "Dad, how should I treat women?" My dad's answer has enlightened the rest of my life. "To their face or behind their back?" Thanks, dad.