I gave my son some valuable advice today. I told him "Put your money where your mouth is."
Little spastic choked to death on a tenner.

My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'.
That's why I now own my own strip club.

There are two types of people in the world:
1) Those who can deduce complete facts from incomplete data

I remember when I was younger, I was confused about girls so I approached my dad and I said to him "Dad, how should I treat women?" My dad's answer has enlightened the rest of my life. "To their face or behind their back?" Thanks, dad.

Lesson in Life: Hold Your Head High, But Your Middle Finger Higher.

So the wife left me today..
I guess replying " just go out without your makeup on" when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a great idea

I forgot to clean my teeth this morning.
My boss told me to eat a packet of mince, but it just made things worse.

If I lived every day like it was my last, I'd probably spend the rest of my life depressed that I was going to die the following day.

My wife phoned me at work today.
"On your way home, can you call at the shop and get me some Tampax?"
"I take it it's started again then." I sighed.
I hate having to put up with her nosebleeds.

Wife asked me for a cup of tea earlier.. I poured her out a cup of boiling water.
She said "How about a teabag love"
So i gave her one.

Parents. Avoid scarring your children when watching violent movies by blindfolding them and locking them in a cupboard.

By grabbing hold of a charity letter and twisting it sideways, it is possible to remove the free pen without opening it and subjecting yourself to all that guilt.

I was once told to live everyday as if it were my last, but getting depressed, curling up in bed and waiting to die just really doesn't appeal to me.

To all those failing businesses out there who say, "I can't afford to advertise because I've not got enough work in."-
That's like saying, "I can't afford to get this terminal brain tumour removed because I'm saving up for a holiday in 3 years."

Special occasion today so you know what that means, CLEAN BOXERS!

Women: Save money on mascara, eyeliner, and other expensive eye make-up by simply forgetting to put Mayonnaise in my sandwich.

How do you know when you've had too much?
When you run out.

Pubs. Save money on hand driers by just hanging up a pair of jeans.

morning glory just isn't the same without a smile on the end of it... so make yourself useful mum.

I've had vinyl flooring laid throughout the house.
It has a warmth that CD flooring can't match.

Top Tip for alcoholics.
Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don't worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport - the time difference will have taken care of that.

Breakthrough tooth whitening treatment that doesn't cost the earth.
Paint your face black.

WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy band' look

I was standing at the bus stop with my mate and with this old lady last night waiting for the bus to arrive. Suddenly, the old dear caught the hiccups. She tried her best to ignore it, but i could see it in her eyes that she found them annoying and quite painful for her age.
My mate remembered some advise about how to cure hiccups and told me "gently tap her on the back, a little jump might cure them."
Thinking a brief tap might not do the trick, i pushed her onto the road as the bus came. That stopped her hiccups.

I got an advice slip from the cash machine today,
It read 'Don't re-heat chicken once it's cooked'