My mates say I'm too submissive.
They're probably right.

I believe you should always try things once.
Which is why i'm addicted to Crystal Meth

My old man always told me to fight my corner.
That was good advice, but my boxing career was short lived.

Good idea: giving your newborn baby a bath
bad idea: having your newborn baby dry-cleaned

My Principle of life:
If a girl throws a stone at you, throw a flower back, BUT MAKE SURE the flower is still in the pot

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts

If you put a frog into a pan tepid water and slowly heat it up, the frog will boil to death. But if you put a frog into already boiling water it will jump out.
Moral of the story? Put a lid on the pan.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.

Fed up of ironing?
Try using anti-wrinkle cream instead of fabric softener.

I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks "Would you do me a favour?" - ALWAYS wait until she has said "a favour" before eagerly nodding and saying yes.

Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, Kurt Cobain. All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD.

I always wanted to be a rock star when i was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right,but unfortunately forgot about the main things,learning an instrument and writing songs.

Top tip;
Never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless.

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"
"Morning Sickness."

My Dad would always give me good advice.
Like, "scream and I'll kill your sister."

Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn't loud enough....

Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait til the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up? Don't waste it you gimps.

If there's one thing i've learnt in life...
It's keep the Haemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub well apart in the bathroom cabinet.

Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be punched for 1 pound.

If somethings worth having...
It's not on eBay.

I clean my house with Clearasil.
The place is always spotless.

One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets

Drivers: When you see those 'accident blackspot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to hang about in dangerous places.

Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?