My dog recently went missing so I got a pet detective.
Although he doesn't seem to like his cage very much.

My daughter has called our new puppy Nigel.
Talk about giving a dog a bad name.

Nearly hit a dog on the way home, she was walking an alsation.

I went to a zoo recently and was horrified that the creatures on show were treated no better than animals

My dog drinks out of the toilet, which makes me laugh - because I'm ticklish down there..

When I was a kid a saw a herd of over 100 elephants. Aah! So many memories

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Pedigree chum.

I went in Ladbrokes today and said to the girl behind the counter " excuse me love, can I back a horse in here?" she said " of course you can" so I clicked my fingers and said" gee up neddy boy, in you come"

I just heard about the new "Pet Airways" on the news.
Just think... if the plane blew up it really would rain cats and dogs!

You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Not true! My missus is always 'falling' down those darned steps.

Andrew Flintoff was out for a duck yesterday.
They were half price in Tesco.

My poor dog has just had to have a leg amputated.
On the plus side bids are up to 67 for the leg on Korean Ebay.

Time it takes for your pet to care that you've fallen over and can't get up.
Dog- 2 minutes
Cat- Feeding time

What do you get if you give an ape a gun?
Guerrilla warfare.

BBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78.
Isn't that suppose to be 325 years?

I just got a lifetime ban from the zoo!
Turns out when they say "kids go free" doesn't mean I should release the goats from the petting zoo!

I love throwing things at the fan and watching them fly across the room. Thats why im not allowed to touch the cat anymore.

My friend asked me what I thought was the best way to pick up chicks.
I suggested a hand beneath their webbed feet and one behind their back for support.
NB Chicks don't have webbed feet; they're not water foul

My mate was hosting a chicken football tournament on his farm and he asked me along to spectate
I didn't stay long though. The matches were rubbish. It was just fowl after fowl

My cat got spayed today.
Now all she needs is a bucket and we can go to the beach.

We've just got a new rescue kitten!
He looks cute in the mask and cape but if he doesn't stop trying to save people, he's going to get hurt.

Apparently there's something offensive about snakes.My pet snake,was born with only one eye(unfortunately),and when I ask people if they want to see my 'one eyed snake' I get these disgusting looks off them.

A giraffe walks into a bar.
The barman says, "You've got some neck coming in here."

I was walking down the street earlier when a baby cat ran into the road straight into the path of a car - the driver didn't even stop - just kept on driving.
Kitten Run.

When I was younger I asked my mum "What do you do if your cat dies?"
To which she said "You can either bury it or call the RSPCA and they take it away for you"
to this day I'll never know why anyone would want to re-home a dead cat.