What do you get if you give an ape a gun?
Guerrilla warfare.

BBC News 'Utah highway shut after 20m bees escape from lorry'
Typical Americans, always super sizing everything.

A dog walks into a bar.
He says, "Hey my names Derek. I'm a talking dog, have you ever seen a talking dog? How about a drink for the talking dog?"
The bartender replies, "Sure mate. The toilet's right back there, first on your left."

Isn't an out-of-date egg really just a chicken?

I got fired from my job for just sitting around chewing on a pen.
I'm going to miss working with the swans at the zoo.

Mary had a little lamb, she also had a cat.
Tommy Cooper came along and killed it Just Like That

8 out of 10 cats isn't bad.
Considering they all scattered after the first shot.

What's the difference between a rottwieler and a poodle?
If a rottwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

i've just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

I felt sick after eating a Yorkie earlier.
Too much fur.

I saw a moth wriggling around on the floor today with no wings. So to help it out I decided to pour some Red Bull on it and BAM!
It drowned.

When Meerkats use computers,
do they get annoyed with pop-ups?

Sometimes when I cut my toe nails I like to leave them all over the room.
Just in case bugs need to use them as swords when they're at war.

A mouse walks into a music shop and asks the shopkeeper for a mouth organ. The shopkeeper says "Thats strange your the second mouse in here this morning asking for a mouth organ" The mouse replied Yeah - Thats probably our Monica!!!!

Before I dump my load into our pet dog, I like to reach around and bring him off first.
Pets at Home. Where pets come first

My pet wasp died today.
If anybody would like to pay their respects, the body will be in the cake shop window from 9am tomorrow.

If you're ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it's all about the detail.

Why did the farmer put pink cowboy hats on his chickens?
It was hen night.

UK scientists have found a new species of squirrel which are black. They are reported to be more aggressive and violent than regular squirrels.
Funny that...

In a way, when I sold my parrot it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

A vet told me today that my fish has got cancer.
I'm gutted, and now so is he.
It was either that or Nemotheropy and I didn't want to see him suffer.

What's extremely dangerous and swings through the trees?
A monkey with a shotgun

We surveyed 100 cats! We asked them if they preferred kitykat or paws catfood!
Results show that 100% of cats surveyed can't understand or speak English!

I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper...
i can't get mine to wear a collar, let alone sportswear.

There are so many animal rights activists around nowadays. You can't even swing a dead cat without hitting one.