Animal rights activists never do more than one thing at a time. They don't want to kill two birds with one stone.

What do you call a dog who starts bringing dead birds home?
A copycat.

I'm trying my best to shake this annoying bird who keeps tweeting me.

The government is now saying that all dogs will have to be chipped. A spokesman for the Korean community said that this was great news

I love freebees.
Good thing the keeper next door had a heart attack.

I was sitting in the park with my girlfriend watching the sun go down, when my mate came walking over with a cheeky smile on his face.
"You two lovebirds." he laughed.
I said, "Indeed, our favourite is the Greenfinch."

A guy in the pub said he would buy me drinks all night, if I could make his dog do what I told it to.
So I threw it on the fire and shouted, "Get off".

Why is there no mouse flavoured cat food?

A giraffe sleeps for less than two hours a day.
This is because their long necks allow them to get at the cocaine other browsing animals cannot reach.

I was once debating about animal testing with someone who claimed it was their responsibility to 'give a voice to the voiceless'.
So I guess parrots are fair game.

I had a terrible first day running my new store, the stock flew off the shelves.
I should probably get bird cages for my pet shop.

Dogs smell, drool, constantly want fed and always have the urge to hump things...... No wonder they're mans best friend.

I've finally figured out a way to get my dog to do as I tell him...
I tell him to do what he wants.

Where do you find a rabbit hole?
Under its tail.

I joined a line of people outside the taxidermists.
An animal rights activist approached and said, "What's going on?"
I said, "Fur queue."
He said, "There's no need to be rude."

I remember years ago, Waking up really early on christmas day, Running down stairs, Ripping open one of my presents...
But unfortunately it was a puppy.

What do you call the leader of the worms?
Master Bait

I got thrown out of the local zoo last week for repeatedly beating their endangered Panda cubs with a metal chair. They said I misinterpreted the sign next to the enclosure saying, 'support the WWF'... apparently it's the WWE now.

What do you call a Horse with Three Legs ?.
A Reliant Dobbin.

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
To look for a tight seal.

I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors, scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off.
I was furious.
The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried to charge me extra for the damage.

I went to the pet shop to buy a Chinchilla.
Terrible idea, if anything it's made my face even warmer.

when confronted by a lion, bear or tiger in the wild always stroke them in the direction their fur lies, never stroke against the nap as they dont like that

My granddad used to keep a pet goldfish in his head.
He loved that fish, you could see it in his eyes.

What do you get from a nervous cow?
Milkshakes.