There are two things you should always carry.
1) A small bottle of Whiskey in case of snakebite.
2) A snake.

What animal is best at brading female pubic hair?
Platypus.

I went down on my missus last night and I've had a hair stuck in my teeth all day.
I finally got it out during the lunch break at work and we've decided to keep it as the office pet.

The "Black Mamba", One of Africa's most dangerous and feared snakes.
Surprise, Surprise

You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way.

My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden.
One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away.
I think it was a little coy.

I lined my travelling trunk with cocaine in a bid to get through customs.
How was I to know that taking an elephant through an airport would draw so much attention.

Me and my wife were like 2 wild animals last night.
She went for food while I ate the children.

Bulls:
They're like cows, you just have to work harder to get their milk out.

BBC News- Body parts found in shark.
What else do they think a shark is made from?

My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers!
He's a frog.

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think "oh my god that looks like a......??"

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Anfield?
It was only on for three minutes and went past more people than Stewart Downing has all season.

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.
It was the stuff of knight mares

My dog's getting slow in his old age.
He's just brought me yesterdays newspaper.

My mate's made a 'Dog Grooming video Guide'.
It looks pretty good, he's just shown me a clip.

My dog can talk.
Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing.

My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life?

My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday.
It has been yapping for a week and keeping me up at night.
so I kicked it across the room.
....That hit the spot.

BBC News: Bear Kills 'UK Tourist In Norway'
Does anyone else think these Norwegians are getting a bit desperate for attention?

My grandad once killed a lion with one hand.
It had paws on its other legs though.

News: Cat killed by sniper.
I guess putting them in bins got boring

Why did the squirel scream?
Because somebody pinched his nuts

My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet,
It's funny, I thought 8 flushes would have shifted a rabbit...