My grandad once killed a lion with one hand.
It had paws on its other legs though.

News: Cat killed by sniper.
I guess putting them in bins got boring

BBC News: Bear Kills 'UK Tourist In Norway'
Does anyone else think these Norwegians are getting a bit desperate for attention?

My daughter screamed as she found blood in the toilet,
It's funny, I thought 8 flushes would have shifted a rabbit...

I saw a dead fox lying at the side of the road earlier. It was disgusting.
Probably should've cooked it first...

Really happened:
My daughter wanted a nameplate for her rabbit's hutch.
The woman in the shop asked, "What's your little rabbit's name?"
My daughter said, "I haven't a clue, but I call him Philip!"
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Worth a thought isn't it?

I've got the memory of a goldfish.
It's name was Bubbles and he was my first pet.

How did the Zebra get his stripes?
He rescued four men while under mortar fire.

I just put a small Afro on my ear. My girlfriend ran away screaming.
She hates earwigs.

Why do birds fly in circles over Bradford?
The poor things have use one wing to hold their noses.

I make my own fun. Like today, I'm sitting on the sofa, my dog's licking himself, I'm touching myself.
We catch each others eyes, we both start laughing!

As the bad guy ran away, I took out my Colt, levelled it, took careful aim and squeezed.
'Neigh!'

I knew I shouldn't have adopted those two pandas, they're eating me out of house and home!
I also shouldn't have built my house out of bamboo.

As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough,
Now the Emperor Penguins are trying to turn me to the dark side!

Just took a video of an angry lion... was some roar footage

I was washing the car this morning when my wife shouted, "Mind the cat, he doesn't like water."
He likes pressure washers even less now.

"My dog took first prize at the bird show!"
"How?!"
"He ate the prize canary..."

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a
woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms
that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in
their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced
back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the
door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,
she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when
one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

I went coursing with my dog, Alopecia, today. She came back after 3 hours.
Still no hare.

The BBC is bringing out a new series of One Man and His Dog but it's only gonna be for the Welsh viewers...
It's called "One Man and His Pimp."

how do Llamas wake up in the morning? with an allama clock

I'd never written a joke about a Pig before.
But now i've penned one.

My dog loves me, but I'm pretty sure if I dropped dead at home, he'd chew my face off the minute he got hungry.

I asked for chicken drummers, and I was given pieces of chicken in breadcrumbs? Where are the feathery musicians I requested?

I've just been fired from my job feeding the fish at SeaWorld.....
apparently i wasn't serving a Porpoise??