Scrambled eggs does sound a lot more appetising that crushed chicken's periods.

I heard that chickens actually descended from dinosaurs.
They must've had fun sliding down its tail.

Why couldn't the Viper viper Nose?.
Because the Adder adder Hankerchief.

I have a Husky voice.
I was raised by dogs in Alaska.

A true test of whether the octopus really is a psychic would be to give him a prediction that's lower than 50/50 odds.

In the mind of the dog:
The humans offer me food, love and shelter.
They must be my gods.
In the mind of the cat:
The humans offer me food love and shelter.
I must be their gods.

What do you call a cow's moustache?
A mooustache

Sat on the table in the works canteen someone said, "What do you make of all these birds dropping from the sky?"
"Rohypnol??" I volunteered.
There was a deadly silence.
... "ahh! Not those type of birds then".

My six year old son has been begging me for months to buy him Angry Birds.
He'll be in for a treat when he comes home to find the ostriches I've caged up in his room.

How do lions like their steaks?
Roar

Head Lice: They're living on the fringes of society.

Amy Winehouse's boyfriend is in hiding since waking up next to her.
He's convinced the Mafia are after him.

'Appearances Can Be Deceiving' said my fortune cookie message; then I realized I'd cracked open a snail.

My neighbour came banging on my door earlier.
"Ere!" he said. "Your cat has been peeing in my rhubarb."
"Not to worry mate, it's only a bit of water."
"That's not the point. I was having it with custard at the time."

My wife wanted to name our new dog 'On'.
So I called it off.

I'll install a bird bath in my garden when the birds install a hot tub on my balcony.

I felt like having a sing today, but as soon as I got into it, my wife yelled at me to get the cat out of the blender.
So I did. Then I started singing again.

I dont like cats with two different coloured eyes.
They remind me of cats with same coloured eyes, and I don't like cats.

If only Africa had more Mosquito nets.
Then every year we could save millions of mosquitos from dieing needlessly from AIDs

I struck lucky in the casino last night..
Apparently that's 'animal cruelty' according to Geoff from security

It's so hot I just saw a bird pick up a worm with an oven glove!!

A bird in the hand may well be worth two in the bush, but it makes blowing your nose very difficult.

Whenever I say, "Women have the brain size of Squirrels", they get really annoyed.
Who knew Squirrels were so sensitive?

My turtle ran away last month.
He's barely past the driveway.

People claim that cats hate water but I think my cat loves it, because I threw her in the swimming pool a week ago. I mean she must have loved it because she still hasn't come out.