I left school with 2 A levels. One in Biology and one in metalwork. Ever since then I've been looking for a cat that needed welding.

What do you call an alligator who trades on the stock market?
An investigator.

What do you call the ghost of a chicken?
A Poultrygeist.

What goes "clip"?
A one legged horse.

What comes in buckets?
Elephants

I can never understand these people that say a dog is 'forever'
Even when it goes straight from the wok into the freezer it will only last 3 weeks max.

I just heard about the trainer that survived an attack by a killer whale.
You can say what you like about child labour, but they make shoes to last.

My wife told me to have the house spotless before she got home.
So I buried her dog Spot in the back garden.

What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?
A lemming meringue.

Never realised how bad the wasp problem is in Africa.
Watching the Confderations cup it sounds like they are everywhere.

Wasps - The Pakis of the insect world!

I went down to the new local shop which lets you trade in your beautiful winged insects in exchange for caucasian males.
Its called pretty Fly for a white guy

I was with my dog on the high street earlier when this woman came up and said "What a beautiful Labrador"
I couldn't see it myself

Difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our genitals.......We have others do it for us.

The police really are racist;
they've just arrested a Panda under suspicion of killing that 17 year old boy in Norway.

I'm trying to build up the courage today to tell my pets they are adopted

I slept at the wheel last night...
I don't know how hamsters do it.

Apparently the Black Rhino is more dangerous than the White Rhino. Well there's a surprise!

My friends planning on teaching all crabs a new unique way to walk
now that would be a step forward.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he isn't a chicken

I was reading my newspaper when my parrot said to me "Why are you staring at the carpet?"

My pet lizard leaned back onto his hind legs earlier and told a really good joke.
He's a stand up chameleon.

My dog has just bitten my disabled son.
That's it, once this ones gone, no more kids for me!

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different

Just found out my cow and goat have been dating.
They are in a stable relationship.