I was talking to a navy seal earlier.
I couldn't understand why it was that colour...

My pet tarantula has a deformed back & real problems walking.
I fear it might have spider bifida.

An animal rights protestor came up to me and asked if i liked animals
Only Roasted

"Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cat"
"How long have you felt like this?"
"Since I was kitten"

I think my goldfish is incontinent.
His bowl floweth over.

The hardest part of owning a dog is telling him he's adopted.

Just found out my cow and goat have been dating.
They are in a stable relationship.

Road accidents involving moose have risen by 20% this year in Sweden.
I'm not surprised, how can you control a car with a hoof?

My brother has been off work on full pay for a month now after a cow knocked him off his stool.
He's been milking it for all it's worth.

"I like your black and white skin, I like your great big udder, but most of all.
I like the way you moo"!

My pet centipede died this morning.
I'm really sad, but he was on his last legs.

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

A termite lands on a fly.
The fly says;
"Are you a termite"
The termite replies;
"I mite be".
"That's the stupidest pun I've ever heard"
"Give me a chance man, I just came up with it on the fly"

I've just seen a midget driving a crane
I hope the R.S.P.B don't find out, he might get charged with avian cruelty!

My new girlfriend was cooking with the meat I got her when she started going off on one, "I haven't seen my cat for hours, he never goes out." She said frantically, running around kicking and screaming.
I think she's making a meal of it.

My pets are very well trained. I throw a ball for my dog and shout "Catch it". Bruno leaps into the air and catches the ball.
Meanwhile, Tiddles lays one out in her litter tray!

Sky 3, weekdays, at 11am 'Dogs with jobs'
Talk about kicking the unemployed when they're down!

I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo.
Mind you, I don't think he's going to be happy when he's old enough to realise I'm not his real Dad.

I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; "I love you Piddles, never forget that."
I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my family as I plodded off into the kitchen.

I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle.
I couldn't believe the price of them...
6.45 for 20 Mayfair!

I'm sure my mate's part chameleon, but he's denied it 'til he's blue in the face.
If anything that convinced me even more.

My dogs been missing for a week and I've had to put some posters up.
He's blind, got 3 legs, deaf in 1 ear and has aids, answers to the name, lucky.

What do you get if you cross a zebra with a paki?
Run over by me in my lorry.

Two snakes are in the middle of a forest.
The first one says "Hey are we poisonous?"
The second snake says "I dont know, why?"
"I just bit my tongue."

My girlfriend said she loves me dearly, so I attacked with a pair of antlers and mounted her.