I'm sure my mate's part chameleon, but he's denied it 'til he's blue in the face.
If anything that convinced me even more.

I went in the local shop to buy some treats for my pet beagle.
I couldn't believe the price of them...
6.45 for 20 Mayfair!

I was in tears when my cat had to be put down. I looked into his wide eyes and whispered in his ear; "I love you Piddles, never forget that."
I then put him down in his basket and got a few questionable looks from my family as I plodded off into the kitchen.

I've just adopted a Giant Panda at Edinburgh Zoo.
Mind you, I don't think he's going to be happy when he's old enough to realise I'm not his real Dad.

I was at a family dinner and I turned to my wife and said "I think there's an elephant in the room".
Apparently that's not an appropriate way to speak about your mother in law.

If moths are attracted to light, why are they nocturnal?
Kind of like a pedophile working at a retirement home.

I've taught my pet tortoise, Jerry, to breakdance.
I say taught but actually I just put him on his back.

What's yellow and dangerous ?
Shark infested custard.

I see there was a really fast response after the fox attack on those babies.
It's a good thing that the parents didn't cry wolf by mistake.

I got a new phone today. It's got less battery life than a KFC chicken.

If cats stray into my garden. I pretend they're Heather Mills.
I give them one "Shoo!". Then watch them hop it.

Do you think dogs think they have got beards?

Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black."
As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green.

"Hold everything!" - training my pet octopus.

I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed
My wife hates it though, she's allergic to cats

A British woman who went to a Thai nature resort to conquer her fear of monkeys has been savaged by a pack of macaques
Not really a joke, Just made me laugh

I own one of the world's smallest farms.
All I've got is one fat cow, one lazy pig, one old dog and my wife. And they're all in the same body.

Wow! I've Just found out that my dog can talk, I said "what's that tree made out of boy?"
"Bark!" He yelped.

I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window.
I'm sure they're Inca hoots!

What do you get when you cross a cow with an arab?
Milk Sheikh

Why slaughter and incinerate livestock with foot and mouth disease when they could instead be redeployed to clear the world's mine fields?

"Warning As Boa Constrictor Goes On The Loose"
Elsewhere, poisonous spider goes on the anti-venom

What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Baby giraffes.

I treated my dog for ticks a week ago and it hasn't worked, his nose still twitches.

What noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster!