Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn't count the sheep.
I kept falling asleep.

They say if you blow in a dogs face that it can't breathe.
Mine must be trying to commit suicide with his head outside of my car window.

"Where's Rover gone again daddy?" asked my little girl.
"He's gone to live on a farm darling, where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day."
"That's nice daddy. I'm so happy his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car."

Police found a dead kitten, dressed in a little police uniform.
They're looking for a copycat killer

It's fun playing football with my rabbit.
Although she's not as bouncy as a real football.

My wife's dog just came running past with one of my slippers.
God knows how he keeps a size 10 on that little paw of his.

My next door neighbour has got a sick sense of humour.
He chopped up a pig and hid the parts around the garden and made his son search for them.
Pork Hunt.

I lost my dog so I sent a tweet on Twitter to try and find him
#hereboy

Went on safari in Africa, and filmed several wild beasts doing amazing things.
Like carrying a huge basket of clothes on their heads for example.

I've got twice as many Koi Carp in my pond today.
I put it down to the Fish School Stimulus.

I've been doing lots of work on the effects of smoking on monkeys
The sole conclusion I've drawn is that they look cooler than the none smoking monkeys.

Birth control pills designed for humans will also work for a gorilla.
The fact that saved me a zoo sponsorship.

Paddy and his wife are distraught that there dog has gone missing. After a week his wife, becoming more and more upset, tells Paddy to place a message in the local newspaper, hoping that someone may have spotted him.
When Paddy return from his duty, his wife asks; "Well, have you done it?".
"Yes" replies Paddy.
"Good. What did you put", says his wife.
"Here boy", Paddy replies.

A young man can learn a lot from a dog...
Loyalty, obedience and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

My mate told me if I cut my pet goat's horns off it would become more confident.
It didn't work - if anything it's got even more sheepish.

I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me.

I have two pet hates.
Much more fun than having a cat or a dog

I was sat outside earlier on, in the sunshine, admiring two birds mating in a tree.
That tree outside the house has really come in handy since my new lesbian neighbors moved in.

Im worried about my budgie at home, while I've been away he hasn't tweeted once.

My girlfriend is like a dandelion,
beautiful on a summers eve or on a winters night.
And when i get bored of her i kick her and she goes into the air a few feet.

My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep.
"A farm, you mean" suggested my mate.
"No. A slaughter house".

My son just said, "Dad, I've just invented a designer farm animal."
I said, "Son, I'm Prada Ewe."

I used to be an avid bird watcher
Then I took a sparrow to the knee.

Spider: Hi! I just finished eating all the flies, keeping away the ants, and drove away the termites.....sure! I'd love to read the paper...

You can't keep a good dog down... unless it's been at the pound too long.