I like putting sock and boots on my feet when I go to bed
My wife hates it though, she's allergic to cats

True story.
A few years back I was being driven down to Wales with my girlfriend by her Father and his new girlfriend, who was the only other English person in the car.
"Look over there", said her dad, "the sheep are being sheared".
My reply of "Why, is there a dinner dance tonight?" only made one person laugh, but that was enough for me.

The other day, I felt like a chicken.
So I crossed the road and went to KFC.

Why do fish swim in salty water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze

I love a good game of 'Hungry Hippos'.
But I had to stop playing when I lost my job at the zoo after 3 of them starved to death.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear are notified that they are to be conscripted into the Animal Army but, as pacifists, they agree they do not want any part in the military and start looking for solutions.
"I can bite off my own tail," says the fox. "They won't want a fox with no tail."
So the fox bites off his lovely bushy tail, goes to the conscription centre and comes back with his rejection slip.
"OK," says the rabbit, "bite my ears off. They won't want a rabbit with no ears."
So the fox bites off the rabbit's ears, the rabbit goes to the conscription centre and also comes back with a rejection slip.
Then it's the bear's turn and the fox suggests they knock out all of his teeth with a stone, as the Animal Army certainly won't want a bear with no teeth.
So they knock out all the bear's teeth, the bear goes to the conscription centre and also comes back with a rejection slip, but looks a bit depressed.
"See," says the fox. "I told you they wouldn't take a bear with no teeth."
"Yeth," says the bear, "but they rejected me becauthe I'm too fat."

I took my Bulldog to a dog handler the other day.
He's much easier to pick up now.

An Englishman , a Scottishman and an Irishman all go for a job at a pet shop.
The interviewer tells all three that they can have a job if they can sing a song that includes a dog in the lyrics.
The Englishman sings "How much is that Doggy in the window", the Scottishman sings "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog" , and Paddy sings "Strangers in the night. ..... Scooby doo be doo be doo.."

When i said to my dog "play dead"
i didn't expect him to jump in front of the next lorry

What's the fastest animal in the world?
A hamster if you throw it hard enough!

What do you call a sleeping fish?
A Kipper

My wife has just text me to say that she's bought a Siamese Cat.
I can't wait to get home and see it.
I've never seen a cat with 2 heads before.

I saw that movie where Mel Gibson has his hand up a beaver the whole time.
I think it was called 'what women want'.

My wife's ran off with a giraffe...
I probably shouldn't have mentioned that they have a 21 inch tongue.

A unicorn and a cyclops...
Now that's and accident waiting to happen.

I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night.
Must have been Freddy Cougar

Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what your doing...

Watership Down.
Youve watched the film
Youve read the book
Now eat the stew

How do you find a Foxhole ??
Lift its Tail Up...

There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler

I think it's unexceptable to mix races.
You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!"

The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me.
I'm in a fowl mood now!

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"?

Daniel radcliffe has said to wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then?