I dreamt I was being eaten by a cat last night.
Must have been Freddy Cougar

Alright everyone the cows have come home, you can stop what your doing...

Watership Down.
Youve watched the film
Youve read the book
Now eat the stew

How do you find a Foxhole ??
Lift its Tail Up...

The wife has just threw 2 Chickens a Turkey and a Duck at me.
I'm in a fowl mood now!

Daniel radcliffe has said to wagner that it would be awesome to have a pet lion. So are dragons, winged horses, three headed dogs and werewolves pretty basic then?

The wife told me over breakfast that she has invented a shower gel for pigs. I said "hogwash"?

There's no such thing as an 'ok' crocodile wrestler

The vet said to the Irish dairy farmer "I'm sorry, it's bad news. All your cows have Blue Tongue. The farmer replies "Bejaysus....I didn't even know they had mobiles!"

I think it's unexceptable to mix races.
You never see Horses and Dogs racing in one race do you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a fish a man and it will eat off him for weeks.

Whats the worst thing about going on safari?
Knowing you wasted your money on an imac.

Dogs Trust never put a healthy dog down.
so what do they do if they've got a cold?

Does anyone know how long you can leave a chicken in a freezer?
I put it in last night, and this morning it was dead...

I just saw a bird versus squirrel fight. A car won.

I took my pet pig to the vet's today.
Turns out he has pulled a hamstring.

When I was a kid my mum used to puke in my mouth and make me eat it. Then again I am a penguin.

I shaved a hedgehog today...
It was pointless.

The only sound animals should make is sizzle.

Today I played fetch with my cat, it was great fun.
Every time I threw him, my dog brought him back.

After 5 long years working at the zoo taking care of the koalas I finally applied for promotion to look after the elephants. Sadly though, I didn't the job.
Apparently my koalifications were irrelephant for the job.

Whats the difference between "Beer Nuts" and "Deer Nuts"?
"Beer Nuts" are a dollar twenty-five and "Deer Nuts" are under a buck.

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park.
"Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?" I asked.
"No, why would it be?" she replied.
"Because normal people use bread, not breast milk."

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."