I took my dog to the vets and said, "can you sort my dog out, it's bitten my wife, she's okay though, just a small scratch on her neck."
"Do you want me to destroy it, sir?"
"No!!", I said,"can you sharpen it's teeth so it kills her next time!?"

Scientists have found a spider that has been trapped for 49 million years. I didn't know dinosaurs had bath tubs.

I just got an angry email from the local paper after I tried to publish a notice in the lost and found section:
FOUND - Somebody's pet Budgie, it's blue with a yellow beak, what it lacks in zest it makes up for in it's functionality as a bookmark.

I was milking some cows today.
I got most of their money before they noticed the cards were marked.

I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park.
"Excuse me, but is that not a bit weird?" I asked.
"No, why would it be?" she replied.
"Because normal people use bread, not breast milk."

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a 50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

Just read the booklet to claim Jobseeker's Allowance. Without a word of a lie, it says at the bottom "If you need help to read this booklet, please call (this number)".
To be honest, if you need help to read that booklet, there isn't a chance that you're getting a job anyway.

Pet owners: Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats

My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: "Be Good".
As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; "While the cats away, the mice can play."
I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely.

Our dog is 'in season' apparently.
Why the wife insists her being the height of fashion, I'll never know.

I was trying to learn dolphin the other day
I was finding it really tough
Then it just clicked

Sky Sports: "McCarthy loving Wolves life"
That's all well and good, but shouldn't he be focusing on pre-season training rather than running in packs and howling at the moon?

Chickens have such a hightened panic reflex that even after their heads have been cut off their first reaction is to run away.
Just remind me again; who invented the guillotine?

Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?
Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth..
I thought the worst thing was waking up with skid marks on your tongue?

Give a dog a bone, and it'll have fun for a week.
Teach a dog to bone....

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.

Apparently the World's most famous octopus died today.
I must be incredibly dim because I haven't got a clue who the second most famous octopus is.

A clown was killed at work today . . . freak accident!

I had enough of my girlfriend and her sarcastic "bird" comments.
She would say things like, "You eat like a bird, you're a birdbrain, etc".
As I walked out she said "Where are you going to go?"
"Not sure, I'll probably head south".

I went for a CAT scan earlier.
I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the library for the misuse of their photocopier.

I walked into the bedroom with a jar of honey.
"Oooh, Are you going to smear it all over my naked body?" asked my wife. "That's a bit kinky!"
"Daft bint," I thought, "I'm just going to use you as bait to try and get rid of that wasps nest."

I saw this baby sheep covered in plastic.
Laminated.

For a cow, spilled milk is a serious medical condition and it's perfectly normal to cry.