My friend has a pet German Shepherd. Every time I visit him, it puts its face straight into my groin.
I have a Yorkshire Terrier and all this kneeling down is killing my back.

I love feeding stray cats.....
To my dog.

I bought a German Shephard the other day to protect my home from burglars...
He isn't very good though, I got burgled last night while he was flocking the sheep.

Why are the slender protuberances from eukaryotic cells more comical than the flagella found on prokaryotic cells? Because the former are cilia! (In reality, they are not "sillier" and are, if anything, more motile due to sinosoidal undulations!!).

A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish..........
imagine what he'd do for some chips!?

My dog likes it when I speak on his behalf.
Yes he does! Yes he does

Fox mauls twins in bed.
Wheres Derrick Bird with his gun when you need him........Boom Boom.

I went for a CAT scan earlier.
I'm now being prosecuted by the RSPCA and banned from the library for the misuse of their photocopier.

ive just thought, chicken legs are a chickens legs and chicken wings are a chickens wings, i am never eating chicken nuggets again !!

I ran over my dog with the lawnmower yesterday.
He's ok now though, after a little retail therapy.

I drink to forget... which can take forever when you're an elephant.

My wife just shoved her hand inside a Goat to get out the baby.
Ewe

Took my disobedient German Shepherd to a dog shouter.
It's basically just an impatient dog whisperer.

I'm a retired boxer and I'm thinking of taking on golf as a hobby.
Although many believe I should go into acting because apparently I'm the only dog they know that can talk.

The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag.

Lucky, the worlds oldest sheep, has died age 23.
Well, you can only wrap them up in cotton wool for so long.

Golden Retriever Saves 11-Year-Old Boy From Cougar." Good for the dog!
These women really need to find men their own age.

Phew!
Just spent half an hour haggling with the vet over how much to have the dog put down, and when I went back out to the car it was dead.

Why did the squirrel swim on his back?
To keep its nuts dry

I phoned up the vet and said, "I am rather concerned about my pet, Millie. Every time the postman comes to my house, she barks."
The vet said, "Don't worry about it, it is very normal for dogs to bark at postmen."
I said, "I know that, but Millie is my cat."

How do you know if a police horse is lame.
Its hooves go Good Clop, Bad Clop.

Can we not just settle this once and for all and give Paul the Octopus two boxes?
White and black.

A bear walks into a bar and goes, "I'll have................. a beer, please."
The barman says, "Sure, but why the big pause?"
The bear replies: "I've got Alzheimer's."

Africa, the only place in the world where you get a pint of flies and your beer lands in it

I bought a chameleon from the pet shop the other day
I haven't seen it since