How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, PETA will never change anything.

My wife was disgusted when i showed her my turtle head.
In my defence i couldn't afford a whole one.

I used to enjoy playing pokemon with my friends as a child, so last week I got the gang back together and we had a pokemon battle.
However, the man from the RSPCA didn't see it that way and we were jailed for dog fighting.

You have to admire Giraffe's...
No matter what, they always walk around with their heads held high.

Grimsby's zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world.
I can't see it myself.

I gave my wife crabs.
They'll keep her company at the bottom of our garden pond.

I've realised today that no matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

When I was in Primary School I was given the honour of taking the school Guinea Pig home.
It took seven months and a nation wide search but I finally made it to Guinea.

Two Owls playing pool....
First owl takes his shot and fouls as his wing brushes against a ball..
Being an honest owl he say's to his mate "Two hits"
The second owl replies "Two hits To Who?"

Metro Headline this week: "MONKEYS COULD BE TRAINED TO SIT TODAYS A LEVELS"
Ok, this might be new to me - but how many monkeys are there in the world who can read and write, discounting the Jackson family?
More to the point, even if said monkeys *could* read and write, I'd love to see one try and interpret Shakespeare.
So no, Metro, A monkey couldn't.

My mate told me I shouldn't talk to my dog like he's a person, or "he might get the wrong idea".
So I told him that if he's capable of having these kind of ideas then he deserves to be spoken to like a person, thus creating a paradox.

'Save the Polar Bears'
Why?
If we were in their position, what would they do.
Eat us.

I couldn't afford the Vet's bill to neuter the dog, so I just tied a wire brush to my trouser leg.

I was on a safari in africa last week and the tour guide was naming diffrent animal groups.
"Thats a pride of lions" He said
A tower of giraffes
A flight of birds
Then he said herd of elephants...
So i said Yes

A dog isn't just for Christmas... Get one for your birthday too!

What is a Muslim monkey
A Qur'an-utan

As part of a pre-emptive strike on Canada, the US have sent in their special forces.
Silly really, because the Canadians are expert at clubbing seals.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Kanger
Kanger who?
Boing boing boing

Animals may be our friends but they wont pick you up at the airport.

Picked up this hot chick yesterday,
She was fresh out of the incubator.

My Wife said "Why's our new dog ripping that piece of headwear apart?"
I replied "I think it's just a bad hat he chewed"

I reckon the anterior leg joints of Bombus Terrestris are the bees knees.

My parents were dog stylists before they started traveling the world preaching the word of God.
As a child, it was always difficult explaining to people that my folks were into doggiestyle BEFORE the missionary position.

They say cats always land on their feet
Not if they're dead...

I have 2 cats, but only one eats Whiskers.
The other has a bald face.