I remember the first time my father taught me about the birds and the bees.
In fact, he still doesn't shut up about them! It's a nightmare being the only son of Bill Oddie.

I was sitting in the park today watching the birds.
A crow landed, followed soon by another. They looked around as if hoping that other crows would join them, but none did, so they flew off again.
Next thing I know, I'm in court as a witness to an attempted murder.

BBC News: "What dogs and cats can teach humans about life...."
That we must have a serious lack of teachers?

I once lived in a duck pond but had to move out.
I couldn't stand all the bills.

I was talking to a wildlife expert earlier. I said, "how do you tell the difference between a male and a female hedgehog?"
He said, "easy: the males have got loads of holes on their chest and a pained look on their face."

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

An Elephant came up to me and started speaking nonsense
I said "I can't listen to this mumbo, jumbo"

So, a cat and a dog go into a Chinese takeaway...
Not all of them, obviously. They also use pork and chicken.

Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spiderweb you suddenly turn into a ninja?

You can't out run, out climb or out swim a bear.
So always go into the woods with someone you can out run, out climb and out swim.

Meant to shake my Etch-A-Sketch, but accidentally grabbed the ant farm.
Ants are now busy planning a disaster relief telethon.

what's the best thing about having a black man in the whitehouse?
one less mugger on the streets...

I was talking to a Barn Owl last night when I happened to mention that I had just got engaged.
"You twit. To Who??, He said

I managed to get the most magnificent bird to come to my house the other day.
I think it was the trail of breadcrumbs that did it.

What do Elephants have for their dinner?
An hour, just like the rest of the animals.

A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.
"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra."

I'm very grateful to my elderly neighbour for taking my dog out for a run every day.
I'm surprised she's never noticed me tie the lead onto the back of her mobility scooter.

How do you sneak a gorilla out of the zoo?
Dress it up in a gorilla costume.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Personally, I'm going with the egg; in my experience, most birds take forever to come

My wife said to me "I think the cat wants to go out."
"How could you possibly know that?" I sneered
"Hes put his hat and coat on"

FREE TO GOOD HOME:
I recently bought a beautiful kitten, but it turns out my 1 year old daughter is allergic to her. Obviously I can no longer keep her, hence the reason I'm getting rid of her. She has lovely black hair and is very playful and friendly, great with people. She is completely house trained and up to date on all papers and shots.
All in all the she's great, its sad that she has to go but, I'm sure she will make others happy and she's just starting to walk and say her first words.

My wife bugged me to wash the cat the other day until I finally gave in.
But after I'd done it I couldn't understand why she was so livid.
I thought that she'd be made up that I'd finally figured out how to use the washing machine.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

So in 50 year we won't be able to see penguins unless it's on television due to climate change.
The more things change, the more they stay the same then.

Saying that my cat died of natural causes is just a nice way of saying he got stuck in a tree and froze to death.