Give a man a fish,
and he will probably raise several questions about your mental well being.

A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him.
"Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."
In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy"

I went duck shooting today.
I spotted a duck swimming along and quickly took my aim, and just as I was about to pull the trigger I looked behind it and noticed six cute little ducklings swimming behind her.
Luckily I had seven bullets.

My parents had strange views when it came to dogs
they said we could get a puppy and if we didn't like it we can just abandon it,
my foster parents however...

Scientific evidence suggests that feeding chocolate to dogs is highly dangerous and must be avoided.
From experience, I can say that this is true from what happened to my own dog.
He choked on a rolo.

An undercover investigation at a dogs4us puppy farm has revealed some of the dogs are malnourished and scruffy.
If the investigative team want to see some really scruffy growlers, might I recommend a night out in Skipton.

did you know that giraffes can clean there own ears with there 21 inch tongue!
although Mrs.Giraffe had other plans for tonight

I seen two Pheasants racing to get the last few seeds from the bird feed when one fell over. The other pheasant stopped and waited till the first got back on it's feet.
I thought to myself "fair game".

A bull has been arrested for going berserk in a China shop.
He's denied all charges.

Pigeon: "Do you think I should say 'coo, coo, coo?'"
Sparrow: "It's your call."

I redecorated my birds bathroom last night.
I put a copy of The Daily Telegraph at the bottom of her cage.

I hear the police have set up a hot dog stand outside their station in Nottingham?
Haven't they got anything better to do?

What are we going to get our kids now the go go hamsters are said to have cancerous toxins in them?
If only there was something hamster like that moved about, we could even put it in a ball to run around the front room and at night it could sleep in a cage.
If only...

Why are they using blacks instead of laboratory rats in experiments now?
They breed faster and you don't get too attached to them!

The other week I went to a National Birds of Prey centre and saw a variety of hawks, eagles and owls.When we left my girlfriend asked me which bird was my favourite.
I said "The one with the mini skirt and nice cleavage"
I'm now single

Animals may be our friends. But they won't pick you up at the airport.

I was watching my dog scratching earlier.
I didn't want to stop him but he was ruining my records.

My horse has been banned from racing on suspicion I was giving him steroids.
Apparently another horse looked at him funny in the paddock and he ripped off a piece of fence and started beating him with it.

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!!
Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have string!!

It's just cost me two grand to get my girlfriend two pairs of shoes and have her nails done.
I suppose I should expect nothing less when dating a horse.

Im going to encourage my cat to live a more active life by telling it that it died peacefully 8 times in it's sleep

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge.
I think he's eaten the magnets again.

I came home from work this evening and the dog was dead on the floor.
I guess six months on an oil rig broke his heart!

There are reports of an unidentified gang of out of control dogs causing trouble in Central London, authorities have no leads.

I got asked by some crusties if I'd like to join their hunt saboteurs group and get one over the hooray Henrys on horseback.
Naturally, being a caring kind of person and willing to help out people in their crusades, I accepted.
The next day I got out there way before anyone else and shot the fox.