I'm thinking of hiring a S.W.A.T team to fix my fly problem.

The dog escaped out of our back garden last week , and when I hadn't found Rusty by dark , I wondered if we'd ever see him again.
But I was on the other side of town today , and there he was.
He'd made it all the way back to his owner's.

I saw a missing dog poster on a tree today.
So I wrote on it, "I ran over him."

If first you don't succeed.
You must be a budgie with teeth.

Why couldn't ants get into Club Doughnut?
It was jam packed.

My horse was eating some hay when suddenly it reared back in pain with a needle stuck in its mouth.
"Cool", I thought, "those are hard to find."

I got fined 50 by the local council for feeding the pigeons in the park today.
Next time, I think I'll take Weight Watchers bread with me.

So there is a picture on google of Mrs Obama edited to look like a gorilla.
Wasn't a very good editor if she looks the same if you ask me.

WSPA: "The amur leopard is so rare, there is hardly any footage of it"
Ever heard of Youtube?

I was searching the web the other day...
and I found a spider.

Did you hear about the cheesy sparrows?
They don't like my grating.

What has fifty legs and can't walk?
Half a centipede.

I wish I was a mayfly, then till death do us part wouldn't sound so bad.

Mick Hucknall of Simply Red has been prosecuted for raping a rabbit,
Apparently when he was caught he was singing "Holding back the ears" and "Bunnies too tight to mention"

Things have been strained between me and the wife recently, earlier she said:
"Grrrr, rooar, grrrr..."
I know things are bad, she's bearly talking to me.

I just bought a Muzzle for my pet Duck...
I hope it fits the Bill.

The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins.
I think we were talking about cross porpoises.

Took my dog to the vets because it refused to eat it's food and started eating nothing but veggies.
Turns out it's a rabbit.

My new girlfriend said she loved her creature comforts.
So I skinned her cat and made a lovely hat for her.

A Hedgehog and a Rabbit had a Boxing match earlier.
The Hedgehog won on points.

I thought I saw a gecko run across my computer screen.
Upon closer inspection I realised it wasn't a gecko.
It was actually a monitor lizard.

The pride of Britain awards are coming up.
My money's on the white lions at the West Midlands Safari Park.

The widow of the man killed by a shark has been quoted as saying@
"I'm so proud of my husband - he's wanted to be a comedian for years, now he's made the whole world laugh."

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

I don't know why they call them 'Drug Sniffing Dogs'.
It's usually more effective the other way around.