Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with top speed of 120 feet/second is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

I let my dog off his lead to have a bit of fun with the ducks.
Within minutes there was blood, feathers and dead ducks all over the place.
He just sat there watching.

I'm trying to make a soft drink out of crushed marsupials.
I'm going to call it Coca-Koala

A rabbit is sitting in the forest on a tree stump punching at the keys of a laptop. A fox walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat foxes," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the fox. "You're crazy."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
An hour later, the rabbit is sitting on the tree stump with his laptop again. A wolf walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat wolves," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the wolf. "You're a nutcase."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
An hour later, the rabbit is back on his stump with his laptop. A bear walks past, stops and asks:
"What are you writing?"
"A scientific study of how rabbits eat bears," says the rabbit.
"Whaaat?" says the bear. "You're off your head."
"Come with me," says the rabbit. "I'll show you something."
*****
A mound of wolf and fox bones is piled up outside a cave. Beside it, a lion is gnawing at the bloodied leg of a bear.
The moral of the story?
The accuracy of your scientific study is irrelevant if you're mates with the project manager.

I dropped my pet snail in the toilet by accident earlier but he's making a slow recovery.

I am bored of hitting my dog repeatedly.
So I've made a voodoo doll with his likeness
and given it to him as a chew toy.

My cat has a lot in common with third world children.
He's dead

Recently, I have been trying to stop vultures eating all the dead animals lying around...
But they keep carrion on.

I got banned from the zoo for breaking into the penguin enclosure...
All I wanted to do was read the jokes

I've opened a school where I teach dogs to read and write.
It's not going very well.
They always have the same excuse for not handing in their homework.

The BBC website reports that two police dogs have died. in the current heatwave.
Our thoughts go out to the families of Cagney & Lacey at this sad time.

Wanted: Web designer, 45/hour, short term contract.
Will be working for blind spider.

As a farmer, I'm often asked how many sheep I have.
I actually don't know, I fall asleep everytime I try to count them.

A man is swimming in the sea when suddenly a gigantic whale comes to the surface, opens its mouth and swallows him whole.
The man arrives in the whale's enormous stomach and is surprised to see a great white shark in there with him.
He says to the shark, "Hey, you're a shark - why don't you bite your way out with your teeth?"
The shark smiles and says, "Bite my way out? But why would I do that when the meals here are so good?"

Me and my mate came out of a shop earlier,to be greeted by a dog tied up that started barking at us.
"Thats an ugly looking thing" my mate started,"what type of dog is that?" he asked.
"I'd say cross probably" I replied.
"How can you tell that?" he asked.
"Easy" I said," I booted it on the way in".

One of the neighbours found my cat's tag the other night.
I didn't even realise he'd been doing graffiti.

Me and the wife are going to be on channel 4's 'It's Me or the Dog' next week
Or as I'm calling it, 'Which Dog should I Keep?'

I was over the park the other day and I see a sign that said "No dog fouling".
So I made sure I timed my tackle to perfection.

Zoo officials say that a female tiger has killed her mate at London zoo.
It was a rare attack that came after months of simmering jealousy in a feline love triangle.
Authorities say if the allegations are true, the tiger could spend the rest of her life behind bars.

I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today.
I said, "you can have this slipper if you get out of my house."

What do you get if you cross an African with a chimpanzee?
Ten years imprisonment for contravening section 3 of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 1990.

What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they're not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats

I put a "Beware of the Dog" sign on my front gate recently.
I don't have a dog but looking at people walking up the path is a lot more entertaining now.

I'm new to farming, but I recently purchased several thousand battery hens based upon a sound business plan and excellent return on investment figures.
I don't wish to waste any money, so before I release any further funds, could somebody tell me whether chickens take AA's or AAA's?
Thanks.

I was looking through the Auto Trader at cars trying to decide what car we should get next.
My wife said, "Why don't we get an Estate for the dogs?"
I said, "What for? They can't drive."