A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

I poured my cat out some milk the other day
Still don't know how he got in there

I hate people that leave their dogs in cars.
Especially when they just sit there barking at my kids the whole time I'm in the pub

Which side of a cat has the most fur on it?
The outside.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To report to the police the stalker who keeps following it and questioning it's every move.

What do you call a bee thats come back from the dead?
A zom-bee

Caring for animals can be such hard work sometimes.
I've just been scratched to bits by my sister's cat whilst trying to help it.
I noticed 6 nasty looking zits on its belly and, after a half hour struggle, just popped the last one now.
I hope she appreciates what I do for her.

My pet moth died in my arms
I tried saying "Don't go into the light", but it wouldn't listen

I took my dog down the vet's this morning. As soon as I walked in there I started sobbing uncontrollably cos I knew he wouldn't be going home with me.
I'll probably be okay later when my wife picks him up.

I went to watch that film 'Zoolander' last night. I was very disappointed.
I was expecting it to be like 'Highlander' except with Giraffes.

The Daily Mail carries the headline:
"Boy, 2, fighting for life after being mauled by two Staffordshire bull terriers".
I'm thinking he may have had more success fighting for his life before they had mauled him.

I'm afraid that my cat might be on drugs, all it ever says is 'Meow Meow'.

What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig?
A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

My girlfriend has a body like a snake; smooth, thin and usually covered in my slime.
Plus she's got no arms or legs.

How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?
None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.

Killed a slug with a knife today,
Where it found that knife I still don't know.

I wanted to get a dog for my son.
But the pet shop doesn't do swaps.

A mad dog ran into my garden this morning growling and foaming at the mouth! So I sprang into action straight away...
I pulled up a chair, put the cat out and watched the show.

They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I beg to differ, my dog has learned to play dead

A bear went to a hospital after all his hair had fallen out, the receptionist said he needed to see a specialist,
eventually he was referred..

News: Theft in the zoo up by 40% after the Zebras find out they are actually black with white stripes

I find it shocking that people continually refer to the Williams sisters as dogs. Dogs are generally very intelligent and a pleasure to have around - they certainly don't deserve that kind of slur!

I woke up this morning next to this really exotic looking bird.
I really shouldn't drink at the zoo.

I sent my wife a text this morning saying, 'Your parrot has laid an egg in the bottom of the cage'.
She sent one back saying, 'Keep it warm, I'm on my way back'.
So I've got it bubbling away in a pan of boiling water.

The wife got a 200 Parrot for my birthday.
Don't know why it was so expensive though, there wasn't even that much meat on it.