My wife has accused me of being addicted to petty theft.
I currently have fifteen dogs, thirteen cats and seven lizards.

I keep having flashbacks about plastic underwater castles.
Honestly, I've got the memory of a goldfish.

I just started doing cage fighting but I'm going to give up.
My parrot is too quick for me and keeps biting!

A dog goes into a bar, walks up to the barman and says "alright mate, pint please."
The barman says "WOW! That's amazing! Stay there, I have to show you to my friend."
The dog replies "Why, does he need a plumber?"

News: Football fan arrested for attacking police horse in football violence.
Fan is in custody, the horse is unharmed and in a stable condition.

So many kittens, so few recipes.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

It takes about fifteen mink to make a small ladies glove,
that's because they aren't very good at sewing.

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field.
One says, "Boy, it's mighty cold out here!"
The other says, "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey."

"The only thing wearing a fur coat should be an animal".
Thanks for the tip Mr. animal rights protester, my pig loves the new fur coat I just bought him.

I took my dog out for a walk last week.
I decided to give him a race... he took the lead... and I haven't seen him since!

I was sat in the pub last night when a 7 foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.
I thought, "That's unusual. Frogs normally hop."

It's a well known fact that whales are able to communicate over vast distances, up to and even beyond 600 miles. Now, following decades of research and advancement in the field of marine biology, scientists have finally translated these distant calls...
"Can you still hear me?"

I don't agree with battery hens. Surely they lay bigger eggs if they're plugged into the mains.

I was unpacking the groceries when I picked up a bunch of bananas and saw a long hairy leg poking out. Closer inspection revealed it was a very large Brazilian Wandering Spider, the most venomous in the world, and not something you would want to touch.
It was obviously dazed from being imported in refrigerated conditions, so I carefully placed the bananas back into the carrier bag and tied the handles.
Then I did the sensible thing. I shouted upstairs to my wife, "Just off to the pub, darling. Only one last bag to unpack, if you could do the honours."

I had a weird dream last night.
I was on safari in Africa.
I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo.
I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!

A doctor was doing his rounds in a hospital when he overhears a conversation between two African nurses.
One says, "It's spelled 'whoooom'."
The other says, "No, I'm sure it's spelled 'whooouuum'."
They carry on like this for a bit, then the doctor goes over to them and says, "I'll settle this for you, it's spelled 'womb'."
One of the nurses replies, "Look, I doubt you've ever seen a hippo, let alone heard one farting underwater'.

I'm with the other P.E.T.A.
People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

A dog lover has been reunited with her lost dog after it was missing for EIGHT YEARS.
Either that or her parents spent a REALLY long time saving up for a new one.

My wife said that I need to start making sacrifices for our relationship.
She went mental when she checked the rabbit hutch earlier.

What do you get when you put the head of a lion on the body of an eagle?
2 dead animals and a fine for killing protected species.

My dog didn't eat its tea tonight, so I threw it in the bin.
He was getting old anyway.

Chinese authorities are becoming more and more concerned with their kids copying Western bad behaviour on the streets.
A spokesman said, "chopstick crime is up by 30%."

I was listening to the cricket today and it was announced that Swann had fallen for a duck.
"Ah, ain't that nice!" said my mum.

On a farm, an old woman sent her grandson to the pond for some water. As he dipped the bucket in, an alligator appeared from under the surface. He dropped the bucket and legged it back to his Grandma's kitchen.
"I can't get water from that pond," he cried. "There's this alligator in there!"
She laughed and said "Don't worry about him, he's tame. In fact, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him."
"In that case," he replied, "that water isn't fit to drink."