My mates say my girlfriend looks like a horse. I don't think we'll be together furlong.

Rabbit goes into a bar everyday, orders cheese toastie.
One day orders ham toastie.
Never came back. Died. Of miximatoasties

I ran over a squirrel today... with a lawnmower... it was really tough getting that lawnmower up in that tree.

A world without bears would be unbearable.

I saw a dog doing his business in my garden.
Didn't even know they could use laptops.

It is my firm opinion that every whale that gets beached is just trying its best to evolve.

How do you make a dog go "Meow?"
Freeze-dry it, then run it through a bandsaw.

My dog collapsed this morning. I rushed him down the vets and the vet said, "Do you think he's eaten something?"
I said, "God no - I haven't fed him for two weeks."

I've trained my rottweiler to attack and bite on command.
Should be fun - the command I've chosen is, "Can I stroke your dog?"

My neighbour's cat just spat at me.
So I turned the heat down on the frying pan.

I thought I saw a Robin Red Breast in the park today.
It turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

After 20 years of painfully hard work I've almost finished my book.
I can't believe that little caterpillar is still hungry.

I tried to find out exactly how loud my dog's bark was.
But I could only get a ruff estimate.

Some people are worried that the Bee's are dying out
By the size of them this year, it probably because they've started eating each other.

Paying a vet to have your pet put down is like riding a bike.
Why do either if you have a car?

I never got over that day back in 1971 when my dad told me my favourite pet, a 3/8th of an inchipede was now called a centipede.

So... Did they call it an AMERICAN pit bull terrier because it was first bred in America?
Or because it tries to eat everything it comes in contact with?

I see in the news that Koalas are in danger of being extinct within the next 30 years...which makes the 2 stuffed ones that I bought on my holidays a decent investment.

I don't know why people think that puppies are sweet.
They taste sour to me.

Our family dog of 13 years died the other week when I accidently reversed onto him.
Naturaly there was an awkward silence when my daughter brought him up at dinner today.
It's not her fault though... we're Korean and she's anorexic.

I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going.
The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put down.
He asked me, "is he mad?"
To which I replied, "well, he's not exactly pleased about it."

One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night. She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa. I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I'm going to a fancy dress party as a hooker."
"Really?" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."

My local council wants to ban pitbull terriers from the streets, but they're having problems with actually identifying which dogs are pitbulls.
I personally don't see what the problem is. If they've got short legs, square shoulders and an aggressive temperament, then the dog they own is most likely a pitbull.

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Apparently in Hong Kong it is customary after a meal to spit the bones out on the table.
So, anyway, I'm there enjoying my Dog and chips, and after finishing this wonderful meal, spat the bones out.
Only while looking at the bones did the thought occur to me:-
That's a shame. The Dog would have loved them