I invited some mates over for a hog roast the other day. Just as the barbeque was about to be lit, my mate nudged me and said "Dave, I thought you said there was a vegetarian option."
I replied, "What do you think the apple in his mouth is for?"

Found out my Wife is petrified of creepy crawlies the other day, then i thought of an advantage to this.....
...i invested in an ant farm to ringfence the kitchen.

Changing weather patterns mean that animals are going to start to migrate differently. Personally I look forward to seeing Bill Oddie going to do some bird-watching in Norfolk and getting his head ripped off by a puma.

How can you tell if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed?!
The sheets are wrinkled and the bed smells of peanuts!
How can you tell if a black man has been sleeping in your bed?!
Your bedroom window is smashed and your valuables are missing,

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday,
She said "Surprise me with something exotic",
So I put a king cobra in her birthday cake!

My new dog has a cleft palate,but he is highly intelligent, he already knows my name.
When I get home he stands at the gate and shouts "Mark,Mark,Mark"

I wonder if dolphins have tattoos of fat chicks on their fins?

The wife thought it was cruel of me to wake the kids so early and make them watch the cricket.
But it's just so cool the way it's sliding down the tarantula's throat.

Dogs Trust: Dogs die in hot cars.
In other unrelated news, I have sent my wife on a cross desert trip to Tesco.

I have always wanted to walk into an animal hospital with a fur coat on and say
"There, sort that lot out!"

Two owls are sitting in a tree.
The first one announces "I'm getting married!"
To which the second replies "You twit, to who?!"

I went out with my mink coat on last night.
Some silly cow shouted at me, "Some poor animal died to make that coat."
I said, "It's ok sweetheart, this one was dead already."

The Coroner has removed a horses head from the flat of Amy Winehouse, unfortunately its still attached to her body

"Made with dolphin friendly tuna"
That's a relief as I really don't like eating nasty tuna.

Trust me never mix skunk with acid.
You'll never be allowed back in that zoo again.

Taxidermy.
The only job where you can give animals a good stuffing.
And get away with it.

Doctor, Doctor. I think I'm a chameleon!
Who said that?!

Got caught falling asleep in school the other day by the headmaster. Apparently, I am no longer allowed to teach anymore.

I'd like to see what happens when a shark is on her period.

Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

I've just checked the cuckoo clocks -they're all tickety boo.

I've heard that being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep. In a blender.

My wife said she is never going to a fancy dress party with me dressed in my wasp outfit ever again.
I spent all night trying to get out the window.

'...I'm teaching my dog to meow.
I think it will help him if he has a second language'.

My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock.
It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?