I must have the smartest dog in the world.
I once asked him what 7 times 7 minus 49 was - he said nothing.

I saw a sign in a restaurant "chicken dinner 50p."
I went in and ordered one and the waiter brought me a plate of bird seed.

Do you think that Pandas know that they are Chinese and are taking the one baby rule a bit seriously?

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

My girlfriend lets me into the zoo after it's closed for the day. She's definitely a keeper.

What's the fastest animal alive?
An Ethiopian chicken.

I tried to teach my dog how to fetch.
He just doesn't get it.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick it in the microwave until it`s Bill Withers!

I've always been amazed by the Dolly the Sheep story. It's amazing to know we've managed to make a clone of a sheep. Just imagine that, a field full of sheep that all look the same.

I was listening to music in my bedroom when my dog walked in on me practicing the robot.
He's actually getting pretty good at it.

I was playing the piano when an elephant walked in. He started crying his eyes out!
I said, "oh, you recognise the tune?"
The elephant said, "no, I recognise the ivory."

I love watching Animals eating on the Internet.
I'm watching a Live feed now.

Two dragons go into a pub.
The first says, "It's hot in here isn't it?"
The other replies, "Shut your mouth."

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
...Neither.
No-one came until the rooster did.

Cash my gold returned my package with a note attached saying they had forwarded my details to the RSPCA.
Apparently goldfish weren't what they were after.

I saw a sign on the A1 today that read, " CAUTION - HORSE DRAWN VEHICLES AHEAD".
I was just impressed that they could hold a pencil.

When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world.
But then I got older and found out that it's actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day.

I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
What did you call it? I asked.
It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said,
... and so it did,
A F R I C A N Elephant.

Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle.
One turns to the other and says, "Quiet in here today, isn't it?"

What's Black and White and eats like a horse?
A zebra.

For anybody who's scared of this wind, just imagine how those poor little spiders must be feeling.
And for anybody scared of spiders, they can now fly.

They say that when you cut a worm in two one end will wriggle.
Not if you cut it length ways.

My dog just loves chasing cars, he howls and barks and jumps around with joy.
It's funny though, he just walks off when he hears anything else by Snow Patrol.

I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot..
And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

My next door neighbour keeps racing pigeons...
but the pigeons always win.