The male gypsy moth can smell the female gypsy moth from a distance of 7 miles.
The above sentence is also true if you remove the word "moth".
A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweller.
He says to the jeweller, "Can thee mek me a gold statue o' me dog?"
The jeweller replies, "Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?"
To which the Barnsley lad says, "No, daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!"
I looked after my gran's place while she was away.
She came back today and rang me up: "Why is the cat in the birdcage and where is the budgie?"
I said, "Technically speaking gran, the budgie's still in the cage."
I've got the memory of an elephant.
I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
"Goldfish have a memory that only lasts for five seconds."
If Google Chrome had that, I'd still be in a relationship.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Apparently, Penguins mate for life.
Course they do... It's not like they're going to find a more attractive Penguin.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig
I seem to be seeing a lot of people out walking Staffordshire Bull Terriers at the moment, especially round Council Estates and the like. I'll be honest, I really don't like them. They are ugly, muscular, vicious, unintelligent and seem liable to attack you for no reason. Their dogs, on the other hand, I quite like.
Woman goes into a butcher's...
"I'd like an oxtail please".
"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once there was an ox..."
I rang the zoo earlier today and got the fax machine by mistake.
Either that or the Dolphins are a lot smarter than we think.
A frogs perspective on life ;
Time's fun when your having flies.
I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road.
Luckily he had his address written on his collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note.
The sign on the door said "Guide dogs welcome".
As I entered the shop, a labrador greeted me, thanked me for shopping with them and took my coat.
My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.
I found it staggering.
Originally, God wanted wasps to pollinate flowers but that didn't work so he resorted to Plan Bee
Spice up your hamster's boring life by hiding a bowl of Ready Brek under the sawdust and placing a sign saying "Danger, Quicksand"
My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.
My mate told me that they are really expensive,
So I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.
I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a dog have in common?
They both have wet noses.
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "what are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your cat."
I felt terrible about killing a wild bear with a knife and a shovel. However I've learned that when one of them approaches your children you have to be willing to strike hard and fast.
I also learned that Koalas aren't great fighters.
I fancy a nice bit of rabbit for my tea tonight.
Could any of you tell me whether it's cheaper from a butchers or a pet shop?
My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat.
So we compromised and we got a cat...
Unicorns do exist.
Only they're fat, grey and we call them rhinos.