Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayeds.

I just saw snakes on a plane.
And here I was thinking it only happens in movies.

'...I'm teaching my dog to meow.
I think it will help him if he has a second language'.

My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock.
It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?

Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.
Must have been pedigreed.

I've just finished cleaning out my daughters budgerigar because she didn't want to do it.
Well, times are hard and we can't afford chicken.

Yesterday I drugged some birds of prey and plucked them, I was just about to put the feathers in the back of my van when I was caught by the police and they arrested me for ill eagle down loading.

"It's just a spider, it's more scared of you than you are of it" my Dad told me.
Pretty stupid advice for a housefly.

A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there's one in the pond that keeps bullying him.

I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... superpowers here I come!

I had to have my wifes dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do.
There was no way he could have gone on living after the humilation of being seen in a pink and yellow hoodie.

My wife came storming up to me before
'I'm leaving you because your mind drifts and you never pay attention to anything!'
she said.
'what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because their scared of heights?'
I replied.

What do you call a pig in an oven?
Pork.

So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say
Dolphins really aren't so smart on land.

"You've got to have a look at that 'Cats in Bread' website." Said my girlfriend.
I thought the one with two tails and no legs was the funniest.

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.

If you hate cats as much as I do, youll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot of fun

Why there could never be great black sharks?
They would drown instantly.

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
She was in Ireland; she didn't want to get beaten by the roosters.

How come if a dog crosses the road, it's fine, but when a chicken does, it gets questioned for the rest of his life?

Yesterday, I told a chicken to cross the road.
It said, "What for?"

My son is devastated because his hamster died after I washed it in soap powder.
I don't think the soap powder killed it, though...
...it was probably the 800rpm spin cycle .

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
They have big fingers.

A dog's not just for Christmas ..........
It's for finding dead bodies when out for a walk

"360 vision? I can't get my head around that!"
Said the owl.