I saw a badger dead on the road the other week, my mum got really emotional about it, so I told her a joke:
"why did the badger cross the road?"
"why?"
"I don't know, he never got around to telling me why."
ba boom.

Our town vet once neutered 50 dogs in 10 minutes. We call him the ace of spayeds.

I just saw snakes on a plane.
And here I was thinking it only happens in movies.

'...I'm teaching my dog to meow.
I think it will help him if he has a second language'.

My pet mouse has just murdered my goldfish. I'm in shock.
It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?

Just walked in the kitchen, my dog was face down, flat out and there was dog food everywhere.
Must have been pedigreed.

I've just finished cleaning out my daughters budgerigar because she didn't want to do it.
Well, times are hard and we can't afford chicken.

"It's just a spider, it's more scared of you than you are of it" my Dad told me.
Pretty stupid advice for a housefly.

I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... superpowers here I come!

Why there could never be great black sharks?
They would drown instantly.

If you hate cats as much as I do, youll find that measuring the size of a room can be quite a lot of fun

All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.

"You've got to have a look at that 'Cats in Bread' website." Said my girlfriend.
I thought the one with two tails and no legs was the funniest.

So after several attempts of the same experiment, I can safely say
Dolphins really aren't so smart on land.

My wife came storming up to me before
'I'm leaving you because your mind drifts and you never pay attention to anything!'
she said.
'what if birds arnt singing their just screaming because their scared of heights?'
I replied.

I had to have my wifes dog put down yesterday, it was the only humane thing to do.
There was no way he could have gone on living after the humilation of being seen in a pink and yellow hoodie.

A duck walks into a fish shop and asks if they batter fish because there's one in the pond that keeps bullying him.

What do you call a pig in an oven?
Pork.

Going out clubbing this weekend.
Should get a good bit of money for the furs.

Whats the difference between a hamster and a cow?...
...the cow survives the branding

When I was younger my mum came home to find my puppies were all dead.....So she went off to the pet store to buy some new ones, In the hope I wouldn't notice!
But i did.........
And I killed them to!

What do you call an exploding monkey ?
Baboooom !!!

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put a chameleon on a mirror?

Inside Nature's Giants.
Last time I did that I got arrested at the zoo.

Petsmart have a sale on mute Parrotts, at 3 each this offer wont be repeated.