I was sacked when my boss found me cat napping at work today.
I'd managed to get three Tabbies and a Siamese into my van before he caught me.

i asked a donkey to tell me his life story, it took years

My pet elk has vanished, one moment it was in the garden next moment vamoose

Went to London zoo the otherday.
They were no apes there, weird.

I just cleaned my pet fox's teeth with a bunch of herbs.
Basil Brush

If it's not one female characteristic of a cow, it's an udder.

What does a centipede invest in?
The ftse100.

Where do cows buy their clothes?
A Cattle Logue

Went to the pub and left my dog on the sofa watching BBC 2 tonight. He had no choice, haven't taught him to change the channels yet.

I hate jokes about animals
they are so irrelephant

After we all finished our main meal I asked the party if they'd like Baby Jellies?
One young lady laughed 'they're Jelly Babies!'
Confusion was soon lifted when I brought out the dessert

Apparently Apple are bringing out a new computerised Goat... iKid you not.

My friend Dave told me he that he'd arranged an orgy at work,
I wasn't that reluctant to go until I found out he was a self employed farmer.

Im a professional bee keeper....
I do it for the Buzz.

I went to the zoo recently. I think it's about time someone told the meerkats that everything's fine.

My friend's dog walked in and started hitting me on the shin with a big tree branch!
He warned me his bark was worse than his bite.

Me and my wife went to the local Pet Shop to buy a pet bird of some sort.
It proved unsuccessful; after shooting down all of her suggestions the pet shop manager said I wouldn't a suitable owner.

Surely cows would live longer if they werent made of steak and leather jackets

Animal instincts are amazing. The mice in our house always know when my wife's mother is about to visit - they throw themselves on the traps.

Apparently the new gorilla pups at Bristol zoo were hand reared.
Personally, I think that's disgusting and don't agree with zoophilia.

"Our pet cat was like a member of our family."
That's a slightly creepy statement.
Except in Norfolk.

My daughter was so upset when I got rid of her rocking horse.
He'd just sit in his stable going back and forth and the vet said there was no cure for Equine Autism.

Q: Where do ducks do cocaine?
A: In a quack den!

'a gorilla in the zoo learns how to walk like a man'.
So now this is NEWS? I mean, big deal, after couple pints most men walk like gorillas without any training or learning.

"Sponsor A Dog For Life by sending just two pounds a month, and your dog will write to you" Says the advert.
Imagine my shock and disappointment when all I received was a signed photo of Kerry Katona!