I've just booked an appointment with the new German barber.
I've almost finished developing an anti-ageing product and my wife has agreed to let me trial it on her tonight.
I just need to find a silencer now.
I realised I was getting old the other day when my hairdresser spent more time on shaving my ears and eyebrows than she did on shaving my head.
Just heard that Ashleigh Hall who was killed in County Durham was 'a lovely, lovely kid' who was 'the nicest'.
Obviously she was nice - she had to be.
She was hideous.
My mate gets dumped pretty regularly, so I asked him how long it takes to get over a girl.
He replied "Depends how fat she is."
Inside every fat woman is a thin woman and a lot of chocolate.
Inside every thin woman is a fat woman waiting for marriage.
I walked up to this woman in a bar the other night
"You're a feminist, aren't you?" i said to her
amazed she said "Yes, yes I am, but how'd you know?"
so I told her "I can see your armpit hair from the other side of he room you fat, ugly cow".
My wife told me that I needed to go to the gym and get in shape.
I replied, "I am in shape!"
A sphere is a shape.
Girls who pull the trout pout in pictures are so obviously fishing for compliments.
My friends said to me, "I always has johnsons baby lotion in my cupboard."
"Thats funny," I replied "I just have Johnsons baby in mine"
Whenever I go into the toilet after my wife there is always a strong scent of air freshener.
I'm so glad she likes her new perfume.
Bald people face discrimination. One guy told me he "can't help my kind," and asked me to leave his shop! He was an awful barber anyway.
"Mummy, Mummy, the kids at school say I'm a freak"
"Shut up and comb your face"
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat.
I saw the woman who's in that wrinkle removal cream advert at a party. I asked her what her secret really is.
"I'm twenty two", she said.
My wife has become so fat, I said to her
"You are starting to look like my ex-wife".
"But you only have ever been married to me". She replied
"Yes, I know"
Some women bleach the hairs on their upper lip to become more attractive...
Does anyone actually find a blonde moustache on a woman attractive?
They say that diamonds are a girls best friend. I would have thought that a packet of tampons on a heavy day might at least have got an honorable mention.
I just asked out a girl i've known for years and i'm distraught. The most attractive person you could ever meet, eyes that you can't help but stare into, wit that could get everyone laughing, an unmatched smile that could warm anyones heart.
Why she turned that down i dont know.
I approached a girl in a bar and told her she was one in a million. "Thanks" she said "That's very sweet of you!" "Oh" I said "It's not a compliment. I just can't imagine that there are 999,999 uglier people.