I've got a book coming out soon.
I shouldn't have eaten it, really.

My wife came to me the other day after finishing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and suggested we take some inspiration from the book in our relationship.
"Absolutely! I'd love to." I replied excitedly, relishing the opportunity.
Im not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her, bound her and sold her on the highstreet to a mug for 7.99.

I've been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month.
With the deadline approaching my family think i'm going to give up, but i'll stand by my words.

I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn't get it in my box.

I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me.
Spineless git.

I've written a book on how to deal with rejection...
Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my family and friends and then jump in front of a train.

Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and locations presented to you. Only to discover he's behind the elephant.

A man goes up to Quasimodo from 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame'.
He says, "Hey Quasi, what's that lump in your pocket?"
He replies,"It's a photo of our kid..."

I've just finished reading the autobiography of the world's most modest man.
He wasn't in it much.

In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife upto 5 times a night.
And there was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one

I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 books.
It's because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand.

So David Beckham's biography is set to be a 'picture book'.
Surprise surprise...

I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'.
All the answers were wrong.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet biweekly

My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird.
Few tips on racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
Unfortunately the library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight.

It once took me three days to read a book.
And three cops to remove me from the library.

Kim Jong-il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year?
2011 is clearly being written by George R.R. Martin.

Say what you like about my wife, but she certainly knows her place.
Ever since I bought her that new bookmark.

I just bought the book 'Learn How to Read' and am now realizing the potential problem...

Ever wonder what your dreams mean?
It means bookshops can make loads of money by selling books to gullible people.

JK Rowling today is going to tell her story of press intrusion,
Slight change of direction from the Harry Potter books...

As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand....
Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school

Many people see Shakespeare as the greatest literary of all time.
Not me though, his most famous line " To be or not to be, that is the question?"
I think he was just trying to decide which pencil to use.