50 shades of day.
And that concludes the scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years.

I've got a book coming out soon.
I shouldn't have eaten it, really.

My wife came to me the other day after finishing 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and suggested we take some inspiration from the book in our relationship.
"Absolutely! I'd love to." I replied excitedly, relishing the opportunity.
Im not sure it was what she had in mind when I wrote all over her, bound her and sold her on the highstreet to a mug for 7.99.

I've been saying I will make a dictionary the same height as me by the end of the month.
With the deadline approaching my family think i'm going to give up, but i'll stand by my words.

I bought a book on double entendres but it was so big and hard, the postman couldn't get it in my box.

I was reading a scary book today but it kept trying to get away from me.
Spineless git.

I've written a book on how to deal with rejection...
Unfortunately I couldn't find anybody willing to publish it, so tonight I'm going to kill all of my family and friends and then jump in front of a train.

A man goes up to Quasimodo from 'The Hunchback of Notre-Dame'.
He says, "Hey Quasi, what's that lump in your pocket?"
He replies,"It's a photo of our kid..."

Kim Jong-il, Bin Laden and Gaddafi all in the one year?
2011 is clearly being written by George R.R. Martin.

It once took me three days to read a book.
And three cops to remove me from the library.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
Unfortunately the library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight.

My wife criticizes everything I do, so I bought the book to kill a mockingbird.
Few tips on racism but nothing on how to dispose of a spouse.

I have started a pressure group to get ambiguous words removed from the dictionary. We meet biweekly

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

So David Beckham's biography is set to be a 'picture book'.
Surprise surprise...

I have finally worked out the reason that Fifty Shades of Grey had to be split into 3 books.
It's because otherwise it would be too big and too heavy to read with one hand.

In his book, Tony Blair says he would make love to his wife upto 5 times a night.
And there was me thinking the decision to go into Iraq was a difficult one

I bought a book called 'Mathematics for dummies'.
All the answers were wrong.

Spending years studying a book, looking over again and again the vast complex lines and constantly looking for the messages and meanings, getting to know and love the characters and locations presented to you. Only to discover he's behind the elephant.

I originally wrote my novel with a start, a middle and an ending. It got rejected fourteen times.
So I rewrote it, putting half the middle first, then the start, followed by the ending and finished with the rest of the middle. It was the same story, just told unintelligibly.
It's now been published for a million pounds, gone straight to the top of the bestsellers, got nominated for three awards and the film's due out next year.

I've just finished my book on evaluating litrature.
It was alright.

Apparently "50 shades of grey" is the first book in history where there is no need for it's readers to lick their fingers to turn the pages.

I got my wife one of those books I know she'll read over and over again.
'Coping with Memory Loss'.

My mom wouldn't let me read or watch Harry Potter when I was little because she thought I would start acting like a Wizard.
Stupid muggle has no idea what she's talking about.

As the old man stood in front of him in his robes clutching his wand....
Harry Potter regretted transferring to catholic school