Some pages from J.K. Rowling's new 'adult' novel have been leaked on the internet.
Chapter 1.
Fifty Eight year old Harold Potter was out for a walk near his old school when, suddenly, he saw an owl flying towards him.....

You know your career's going nowhere when your autobiography is being sold in Poundland.

For the past 10 years, I've been trying but failing miserably to write my autobiography.
Story of my life.

My mate Colin is a typical example of someone who's read Proust.
He hasn't read it.

Everyone keeps recommending I read "50 Shades of Grey."
I keep telling them I'm not interested, at least not until they release the picture version.

Gryffindor: I'm brave and loyal. Ravenclaw: I'm smart and logical. Slytherin: I'm ambitious and cunning. Hufflepuff: ...I like turtles.

Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won't cuddle with you after.
I mean, neither will I, just saying...

Someday trans-gender Pinocchio, you'll be a real girl.

I am busy reading a new dictionary. To be fair, it's not much different to the first one I read.

I was in our local library earlier today, when a small, round root vegetable came in and asked the librarian if she had a book about suicide.
I though "That's a turnip for the books"

By now, I think nearly everyone in the world knows who Harry Potter is... Unless they're locked in a cupboard under some stairs.

I've been writing short stories for years but recently decided to work on a full length book.
Its a novel approach.

What a rip-off!!
I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying, "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions."
Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about
.........Chess

I just spent an absolute fortune on books advising me on how to save money...

My Shadow and I.
An autobiography of the life and times of a ginger, and his life-long and only friend.

BBC News: "Mr Fox challenges foreign aid pledge"
Fantastic.

My wife's been reading the dictionary every night for a month.
I think she's up to something.

I've just read a book about a fan.
It's a real page turner.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."
The day I realised I was Bipolar.

My friends just accused me of ruining the latest Harry Potter film for everyone.
They're overreacting, all I said was that Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to go on a quest to find the rest of the Horcruxes.
I didn't even mention to them that Snape gets killled, Harry kills Voldemort, Dobby gets stabbed and dies, Hedwig dies, Fred dies, Harry marries Ginny, Ron marries Hermoine, Harry dies and comes back to life, Lupin dies, Tonks dies and Harry and Ginny have 3 kids.

Just finished reading Anne Franks diary and I have to say its a FANTASTIC book!
Also, it's great marketing. It has a great cliffhanger, can't wait for part 2 to come out!

I've just written a book about the inventions of Thomas Edison.
It's for those who enjoy a bit of light reading.

Too make a long story short..
..I didn't finish 'Lord of the Rings'.

You can accidentally change the outcome of any night by not noticing that typing 'pints' into dictionary text first comes up as 'shots'.

Dear Stephenie Meyer,
Please do a tour of Britain, explaining to women how your books are FICTIONAL. You're ruining my mojo.
Sincerely,
Lonely Teen