The government say I can't get my pension yet, as I am only 22.
I hate being born on a leap year...
All my friends are 88.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat,
Please put a tenner in the old man's hat,
If you have'nt got a tenner, then a fiver will do,
If you haven't got a fiver,
Then feel free to come to Britain and get everything paid for you.

I've just bought a Monsters Inc. advent calender.
Every time you open a door it's a different child's bedroom.

I just saw a calendar for sale, "Michael Jackson 1958-2009".
I didn't buy it, I wanted a 2010 calendar.

Somebody snuck into my house today and put a moist cloth on my calendar, which has really put a damper on my whole month.

I just opened the door to the most beautiful angel that I have ever seen. She was dressed in silk and she let me lick her all over.
Shame it was the last door on my advent calendar.

I really want to win a lifetime's supply of calendars.
So I know when I'm going to die.

I can't wait till march 4th, it's my favourite day because when people ask me what the date is it's like I'm sending them into battle.

I got the perfect calendar for 2010.
A different girl posing in different positions each month.
Shame I don't support Liverpool.

I'll never buy one of those abhorrent word of the day calendars.

First it was Black Friday, then came Kwanzaa and then Black History Month.
If we're not careful, they'll steal the entire calendar!

1000 places to see before you die 2013 - daily picture calendar
Now I'm no mathematician but...

Why was I getting such angry looks at taking some pictures at Brittany Murphys wake? I think this 2010 calendar is going to look her hottest yet.

We've been given a 2011 calendar from the local takeaway. My girlfriend said "Quick give it here, I want to see what day my birthday's on next year".
After she finished she asked "Do you want to check what day yours is on?"
"There's no need" I replied "my birthday is the 9th of June every year".

I'm so awesome and I have lots of friends!!
Just kidding, April Fools!
Sigh...

I asked microsoft online help if the had a chocolate bar with Caramel, Nougart and Hazelnuts.
It replied "No Topics Found"

Its MayDay today, apparently you are meant to rub your face in the morning dew.
I only know a Muslim, does that count ?

I made my own advent calendar this year with a picture of my wife behind every door.
I slowly open a door each morning just to remind her that there's nowhere to hide.

Forgot about 10/10/10 10:10:10..
Well there's always next time.

And don't get the Jim Morrison Advent Calendar either.
The Doors keep breaking on through to the other side.

The Calendar:
Only for the week minded

Everyone likes white snow.
People put up with brown snow.
Everyone hates black snow.
There's even racism in snow form.

I was driving the other day, when I saw a milkmaid in the street.
So I decided to Flora.

Every time I write the date today I'm scared I'll accidentally design a computer program.