I think that my daughter is becoming sick.
She just doesn't seem to be settling well in my stomach.
A friend has just come off holiday but he's lost an arm. He said that he'll never be going Self Catering ever again.......
I'm the only guy I know who prefers big fat girls.
But then again, I'm also the only cannibal I know.
A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger.
Slightly worried he asks the stranger "are there any cannibals on this island?"
At which the stranger replies "no, no ,no don't worry there aren't any cannibals here.....
I ate the last one"
Having the boss and his wife round for dinner I tried to make everything perfect. I set the table, got out the best china and helped cook in the kitchen with the wife ...
Despite the best wine, the wife's meat being perfectly tender, lovely music, it soon became obvious when the police arrived ....
That they weren't into cannibalism.
Scientists discovered two things today :
A new diet-plan for Cannibals ;
And a cure for Anorexia .
Just overheard my colleague say to another colleague "Sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off".
It's hardly something you do by accident, is it?
My wifes been cooking for over an hour and still isn't done.
I need to take her out and check the stove.
At a family Barbecue, I ended up falling out with everyone because not one of them even gave my girlfriend a chance they just stared at her black skin, I had to eat most of her myself. Racists.
If the Crossbow Cannibal hadn't bolted his food there would have been fewer leftovers to attract attention.
"Don't put your elbows on the table, it's rude",
...said one cannibal to the other.
"Butchers pedigree chunks", Quality dog food coated in a thick gravy sauce with minerals & herbs extracts .. "Made in china."
My wife makes the best Sunday dinner.
Until the kids noticed her tattoo on the roast.
Finally got the ex. out of my system.
Suppose its back to buying meat from the butchers again.
I find it surprising there's all this uproar about eating a couple of genetically mutilated cows and how dangerous and morally wrong it is.
Come on, even if I had to do most of the work, a night with 2 slags from Norfolk can't be that bad?
My mates call me Pepperami. Not because i've got a fiery temper.
Its because i ate my kids.
Dedication. Sacrifice. Guts. Glory.
You need all these to be an Olympian...
or a cannibal.
I saw a Department of Health poster in the waiting room at the doctor's today. It showed two sunburnt children on a beach with the caption, "Kids Cook Quick".
Nonsense. In my experience they take about 25 minutes per pound.
Stallones son is dead?
It's a good job I'm a cannibal, Sage goes well with pork.
Our local Age Concern shop had it's shutters down today.
I wonder if they were busy making Soylent Green...
A girl came up to me last night and said with a smile, "My mate wants a piece of you."
It wasn't the best thing to hear at a cannibal party.
I'm cooking Christmas dinner with the wife this year.
I know turkey is more traditional, but I'm sure she'll taste alright.
If you are a literal minded cannibal, self-catering vacations are a bad idea
I just bought a Chinese recipe book for cannibals.
It's called, 'Dead Man Wokking'.
My Nan made a lovely dinner today with just cauliflower, peas and gravy.
Not only healthy, but she tasted delicious.