I work in an office with 14 women and I am the only guy
Tomorrow they have asked me to bake something for Comic Relief
Rohypnol drizzle cakes! mmmmmmm....

You would have thought that after 28 years, some of these so called 'Children In Need' would have grown up by now.

Do something funny this red nose day? Then why'd they arrest me for raping a clown?

Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?

What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate 2 a month then people in Africa will die.
I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to.

If you're struggling to provide for your kids, just send them to Africa and donate 2 per month.

Want to be Invisible to other people? Just stand in the doorway of a supermarket holding a charity tin.

I think my mate is racist. I asked him to record Sport Relief last night and I told him not to bother with any of the boring bits but just the funny stuff.
I've just watched two hours of dying Africans.

I was flagged down outside Greggs in the town centre today by a hippy chick with beads in her hair, ripped jeans, open-toed sandals and a blue RSPCA polo shirt. She saw me from a good 50 yards away and started waving her clipboard and grinning inanely at me.
I did the obligatory look over my shoulder, look back at her, point at myself whilst mouthing 'me?' routine, sighed and headed towards her.
She bounced into the air and landed her face not three inches from mine, close enough to smell the quorn nuggets on her breath.
"Hiya! Are you OK?! My name's Casa..."
I held up my finger to her face and gently touched it to her lips, dragging it slowly from one side of her mouth to the other like a stoned metronome. Then without breaking eye contact once, I leant in even closer to her face and said softly,
"When I was nine, I beat a puppy to death with a spade and threw it onto the roof of my neighbour's conservatory."
Then I walked away, but not before screaming "RARGHH!" at some nearby pigeons.

Dont spend two quid to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. Theyll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for seventy five pence.

Comic Relief-Do Something Funny For Money.
I pushed a paki in front of a bus then nicked his wallet.

Have you heard of the 'Computers for Africa' charity supplying the poorest regions with computers and laptops to help with education?
It must be nice for them to look forward to getting a virus which isn't HIV.

Due to the recession, I suggest 'Comic Relief' be renamed 'Economic Relief'.
Money raised would go to people shafted by the government, instead of AIDS-ridden Africans, paraplegics and spastics who clearly have nothing to live for anyway.

Please give generously to Comic Relief.
Just 30 000 is enough to send a washed up, B-list comedian and a film crew on an all expenses paid holiday to Africa.

TV: So please, dig deep into your pockets and give generously...
I would, but they're round my ankles at the minute.

After watching Comic Relief and seeing all the poverty it's made me realise how lucky I am.
I got my 32 inch HD TV half price on the last day of the sale, it's like the flies are actually in the room.

I'm all for blokes growing a moustache for Movember.
But did my wife have to join in.

I shaved my eyebrows off for charity.
Turns out they would have preferred money.

With your help and continued support, from as little as 25 pounds a month, little orphan Mwogli can have 600 minutes and unlimited texts.

I'm going to sit in a bath of baked beans on Red Nose Day.
Not for money. Just a show of contempt at the starving.