Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team.. Please..

It's amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today.
Chuggers: charity-muggers. The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled kids in Africa.
Well I made up a word of my own today.
Chunts.

I sponsored a little blind kid today.
I tattooed "Fly Emirates" on his chest.

I'm devastated. I've just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian famine.

They've got Comic Relief on in the pub.
I said to the landlord, "Hey mate, If I wanted to see some sad charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids."

A black guy just said to me, "Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?"
"Don't you know," I replied."Shakespeare?"
......Quickest black eye I ever got.

My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief,
Masturbating over Hentai.

Charity is like Incest.
It begins at home.

I've got a new job working as one of those charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in the street.
The man at the NSPCC told me they weren't recruiting, but I kept him talking and eventually he realised it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day.

Wow, Sport Relief? That's nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his family...

Children In Need gets me every year.
When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand why they went out looting in Tottenham.

Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine,
and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!

Childline should be renamed...
I tried to order a few for weekend but they said they were going to contact the police?

Chris Evans is going down the London Sewer for Children In Need.
No need, Chris. They have them on the surface as well, these days.

Does anyone else think that the last lad in the 'Diarrhea' advert, hasn't got the gist of what, up to that point, was a pretty funny ad?

A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for charity this year.
He is going to sit on top of a bonfire, whilst it is on fire.
What a guy.

Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the weekend.
In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe.

I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a moustache.

I can't believe that the whole night of television is taken up by celebrities asking people to give their money to charity.
If I wanted to donate money to children in need I'd give my kids some pocket money.

I was stopped in the street today by a charity worker who said, "In the spirit of 'Mo-vember' will you grow a 'mo' to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men's health?"
I replied, "In the spirit of 'November', no."

So i hear Jessie J will be performing for Children In Need this year with her hit Pricetag.
Well if its not about the money they wont mind me not donating this year then.

I had a cancer scare yesterday.
A woman with a collection tin came towards me, fortunately I managed to cross the road before she got to me.

I am ashamed to say that whilst watching Comic Relief last night, I found myself compelled to switch channels every time the side splitting humour was interrupted by the desperate black man trying to eke out a meagre existence.
Lenny Henry, give it a rest next year.

One of those clips of ill african children just came on Comin Relief.
My wife thought i was being all sensative when I reached for a box of tissues.
Well she couldn't of been more wrong.

My job at the BBC is inviting guests onto our shows
I sent an E-Mail to my "Celeb" group
"Children In Need, are you available?"
Instantly Gary Glitter replied
"Id love to come on Children In Need again"