I stuck a label on my room mates back saying "I sleep with kids" as he was heading out for his first day of work.
He later got sacked from the nursery.

I'm currently spying on my neighbour on my bike, thinking,
That's my bike

My wife said to me "I'm leaving you, you're the laziest man I've ever met. I'll be back tomorrow to collect my stuff" "Please don't babe" I begged "Come back Monday instead. It's your turn to take out the bins."

My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I'm obsessed with retro childrens TV shows.
I dropped a Clanger.

My wife threw me out for being too childish last night.
God knows how she knocked down the walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me.

My wife just caught me flicking our daughter's bean.
I don't care though, they're really fun when they jump about.

Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It's about time he grew up.

My wife said she's leaving me 'because my displays of immaturity over the course of our relationship number too many to recall'.
Heh heh heh. She said 'number two'.

my girlfriend walked in and said i'm too childish for her.
i nearly chocked on my lego.

I was sat in my police car when i got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and i ended up getting him in a very painful armlock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out with a left hook.
For some reason, my 6 year old doesn't want to play with me anymore

Driving along, the wife shouts "Stop pulling faces at kids!"
"But they pulled faces at me first!" I exclaimed.....
"Grow up!" she cried, "That's a special bus!"

My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says its time for me to grow up, and stop living like I'm a teenager in the 90's.
What a mong...

There is a new anti-incontinence wine for urinal incontinents. It's called Pinot More

Woman survives three weeks trapped in her bathroom. Bet she ate the soap?
Oh wait, it was a french bathroom.....

I'm the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool.

My wife said to me, "I can't stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in my shoes."
I said,"No thanks, I'm not your size."

Me and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I'm 'too childish' for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa.
The next morning, she came downstairs all apologetic.
However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created.

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife.

A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating.
They are all enjoying the dinner when the daughter turns to the father and says, "This is lovely, dad. What is it?"
"Your mum," says the dad.
The daughter says, "I think you're a bit old for childish remarks, dad."

just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The mens room was open, but i just wanted to show them ladies whos boss.

Why is it when you say i love children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird
I love 8 year olds

my wife thinks that I'm too childish and says that if I don't get down from on top of the wardrobe she is moving out.
I'm the one that is safe from the hot lava.

Sometimes my friends dont get me.
It's like I'm not even playing tag with them.

Breaking news:
An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor.
The next of Kinder have been informed.

Things are getting a bit childish in here.
Come on, Teddy, we're leaving.