How come Deaf people always find the time to play charades.

It's cute when your child comes home from nursery and tells you that she's got a new boyfriend...
...this changes however, when you find out that he is older than you...

Apparently, I always put childish phrases into sentences when they are not needed, well that's what she said.

Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

I hate working in a posh school. Roll call is the worst.
"Tarquin" "Sir" "Wilton" "Sir" "Emency" "Sir"
"Tarquin Wilton Emency Phillips Boucher! Please stop interrupting me!"

How do you make a girl cry?
Tell them they came second in Britain's Got Talent

We used to run around in the neighborhood playing games like 'War.'
I'm not proud of that. We lost some good kids.

Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off. And then a turn on again.

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoes, it took me 3 hours to walk out the shop.

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on." The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"

I have always wanted to be a comedian.............but im scared of being laughed at.

I brought my kids some crayons yesterday...
It was a present to make my kin scrawl.

The Head Teacher of my local school asked me to perform a magic trick for the kids in wheelchairs the other day.
So i climbed a ladder.

What's grey, got 4 legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday.

Last week in the UK a five year old child was shot dead with an air rifle.
Have you ever heard of a more appropriate time for the phrase "I told you it would end in tears."?

A dad sees his son looking bored one day and says to him, "Why don't you go over the road and see how Old Mrs Brady is?".
After only a few minutes the son comes back and says to his dad, "Mrs Brady's very cross dad, she says it's none of your business how old she is.".

This is a true story which happened on the M1 a short while ago:
A police officer had found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
Ten year old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

I don't think it's fair for my wife to call me immature.
Fair enough, I did purposely buy the same telly as my neighbours so I could stand outside their house and change their channels with my remote, but who doesn't?

Got young children? When the wife takes them to a supermarket, tell them that no matter how fast they run at it, automatic doors will always open in time...

My mom told me it's about high time I grew up and become independent
I nearly choked on her breastmilk!

Lonely man has car for sale. Low Mileage. Drives lovely.
Time wasters welcome.

My wife said to me, "I'm sick of you being very immature. Any more of it and I'm leaving you."
I said, "I'm sorry."
She said, "Well at least you apologised."
I said, "No, I just farted, hehe."

If you ever want a bit of a laugh then tell a bunch of builders that there is a group of students going around dressed as coppers and winding everybody up.
Then ring the police and tell them there are a group of students dressed up as builders vandalising your street.
Sit back and enjoy.

Boss: "I'm sorry Mr Smith, but I'm going to have to let you go, your immaturity in the workplace has gone too far, and quite frankly you're just plain obnoxious and childish"
Me: "I know you are but what am I?"

My Girlfriend left me, claiming that I was just too childish.
So I flicked a bogey at her