Humpty dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put humpty together again.
It's a pity they let the horses try first, resulting in the further smashing of the intact pieces the army could have put together with some superglue.

The government's committee for dealing with emergency events is called "COBRA".
With a name like that, I bet they meet up in a treehouse, have a 'No girls allowed' rule, and give each other codenames like "Nighthawk" and "Big Dog".

Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher.
Another washing machine ruined...

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our relationship, during which I took the time to make a napkin monster and attack her with it.
I think it went really well.

My Girlfriend: I cant do this anymore you're too childish. I think I need a break.
Me: Have a kit-kat?

I was telling some sheep jokes the other day.
But none of them laughed and one just ran away going "baa."

I decided it was time to tell my 8 year old son he's adopted.
The wife didn't approve, but I can't resist a good prank.

My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...
...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

Me and my mate double teamed my daughter last night.
She ran away crying saying it was the most unfair wrestling match ever.

As a keen enviromentalist, I, like most people, only wash my hands when there's someone else in the bathroom at the same time.

Mum: What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday?
Boy: Football
Mum: But your grandma doesn't play football!
Boy: On my birthday she gave me books.

I got a detention at school today after responding to the teacher with "that's what she said". She then proceeded to tell me to think long and hard about what I do in life.
I now have another detention.

I have fancied this girl at work for some time but never really spoke to her too much, finally I plucked up the courage to ask her out for a drink and she said to me "I like a gentleman with a sophisticated sense of humour, I have a boyfriend already and he is much wittier than you could ever be"
I was angry and thought carefully for a moment before my response......
"Well your boyfriend is a big smelly poo poo head"

I texted my wife today saying "I love u".
She replied "Oh, really? :)"
And I said "Yes, it's my favourite vowel".

To stop her four-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
"I won't do it any more, Mummy," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.
"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mummy?"
"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.
They get on a bus and, sitting opposite them, is a very pregnant lady.
The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.
The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl. "Excuse me, but do you know me?"
And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing!"

Police have arrested The Big Bad Wolf and charged him with the attempted murder of three of their most junior officers.

My mate called me childish the other day, so to prove him wrong I made him eat his own words,
By spelling them out in alphabetti spaghetti

I like to stand near ATMs.
When somebody types in their pin number I shout, "Got it!" and then I run away.

After watching the news coverage from the murder scene of Ashleigh Hall, it`s no wonder the guy who killed her got caught so quickly!
I mean, why hide the body in a tent?

I was holding on to our new born baby a little too much recently. My missus told me to put him down. I think saying "you're small, ugly and smell" wasn't quite what she meant.

My girlfriend told me she gives up and can't see me anymore.
I rule at Hide & Seek.

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away.

I was having a row with my girlfriend last night and she accused me of being childish.
What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up...
So guess who is not allowed in my tree-house now!

Got arrested at Heathrow last week.
Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.