If you're supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
I had to babysit my sister's infant the other day, and I had the world's worst headache, because the young baby wouldn't stop crying.
And I knew for sure that it wasn't because of food, sleep, poo or wee.
Because I did all of them, and my headache still didn't disappear.
I'm not saying I'm a bad parent or anything but it did take a photo on a milk carton before I realised my son was missing.
You know you've got a problem when your second kid starts walking before your first.
I've been thinking of opening a school for disadvantaged kids.
All I gotta do is master the art of disguising myself as the Queen.
Sky News : 'See Dannii Minogue's Baby Boy - On Twitter'.
These kids are so advanced these days.
All this snowy weather is letting the little boy inside of me take control.
To be honest, I quite like getting tied up while he rides me.
I hear Victoria Beckham was offered gas and air while in labour with her new baby,
Apparently she wasn't hungry at the time
Children in Need is raising awareness for Leukemia in young children.
Sponsored by Marlboro.
Why did the boy drop his lolly pop?
Because he got hit by a car.
A cloned cow has been put on the market and is ready to be eaten.
This could be harmful.
Lives are at steak.
My son just told me that I wasn't the "boss" of him.
So I sat him down and showed him a 65 slide PowerPoint to justify my management position.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is too old?
She's started getting homework
I don't know why my children hate bubbles so much.
I only took them to the neverland ranch once.
I see Ubisoft have released a new "Michael Jackson: The Experience" computer game. I look forward to buying it for my kids and then playing with them.
Whilst we were driving home I was trying to show my wife the correct use of the throttle.
It's by far the best way to shut the kids up.
I believe in letting the inner child out...
once they've earned their freedom
I have a third party, fire and theft policy.
And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to three-year-old's birthday parties.
My wife hates it when our baby kicks her.
I say baby, he's nearly two now, but at least he's a quick learner.
I was in Portugal a few weeks back when i saw the cutest little 3 year old girl and i found myself thinking, 'When in Rome...'
I'm such a convincing guy, that I was actually able to sell ice to an Eskimo.
Besides, I always regretted naming my kid ice.
My kids loved it when I threw them down the waterslide.
They weren't so keen on the landslide!
Today, my 4-year old son came running in to the kitchen, yelling: "I want to be a ninja when I grow up!"
Can't wait to tell him he's a dwarf
After a long and costly legal battle, I found out you're unlikely to be granted custody if they're not your children to begin with.
My 5 year old son just invented a brilliant reusable tissue!
He calls it his tongue.