I love Halloween, kids come to your house and ASK for sweets!
saves money on petrol for my van.

So, childhood obesity is on the rise.
It not all doom and gloom , paedophilia levels must have decreased.

Women shouldn't have children after forty. Because, really, forty children should be enough

My girlfriend won't let me have kids, she just keeps saying stuff like "put those down, they're not yours"

There is no denying that society is getting increasingly violent, but too many parents are wrapping their children in cotton wool.
I still prefer wrapping them in clingfilm because you can cut little access holes with a penknife.

I came in from work earlier to see my son crying on the stairs in hysterics. "What's wrong matey?" I asked him.
"Daddy, I'm having trouble with the girls at school!" he cried.
I thought it was time...I gave him the inevitable talk about 'the birds and the bees' and he sat there and listened.
When I was done he paused..."That's fine daddy but it's not that. They wont let me play with their barbies at lunch time and said my legs are too hairy to wear a skirt."
He lives with his uncle now.

What do Madeline McCann and the wine in my wine cellar have in common?
They're both in my wine cellar

My daughter's nappy rash appears to have formed the pattern of a 9x9 grid.
Think I need to get her some Sudokucrem.

I like to drive around in my car blaring songs from an ice cream van just to see those happy little faces fade when they realise there is no ice cream

I read today that a young school girl made 100 an hour busking on the streets of London.
That's almost as much as a parking meter would make!

My wife said, "I don't like your offensive jokes. They're not funny, they're disgusting and meaningless."
I said, "So are the kids. But you put up with them."

Don't you love a child's laughter?
Much better than them screaming 'Stranger'.

On reflection Hamster Merry-Go-Round and other microwave games. Probably wasn't the best book to give to a nine year old.

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!''

I'm considering becoming a professional clown. I have all the right skills.
I suffer from depression and I like scaring children.

Haiti Cemetery...
Remind you of a school game?
BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was an introductory evening for parents and children at my son's new school yesterday. What with all the people milling about who didn't know their way round, the head thoughtfully got some of the prefects to marshal us.
It was brilliant. I got to follow 15-year-old girls all evening and no-one shouted at me once.

The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
"And what name have you given this little boy?" asked the priest.
"It's a girl," said the father out of the side of his mouth. "You've got hold of my thumb!".

Western consumerism is out of control.
The kids don't even accept Haribo anymore. They demand Ferrero Rocher.

They say the laughter of children is priceless.
To me it's their screaming.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
Sadly this is a fact and not a legal loophole.

I gave my son a quid for eating a hot chili.
This is good parenting because he needs to learn to stop doing stupid things for just 1.

I'm pretty ashamed about sleeping with the examiner to get a good mark...but I really wanted top marks in my KS1 SATS.

you know your ginger when even your imaginary friends dont want to play with you.

I've just got back from a boy scouts' and girl guides' jamboree.
The excitement was intense.