Western consumerism is out of control.
The kids don't even accept Haribo anymore. They demand Ferrero Rocher.

The proud father handed the baby to the priest for the christening.
"And what name have you given this little boy?" asked the priest.
"It's a girl," said the father out of the side of his mouth. "You've got hold of my thumb!".

Haiti Cemetery...
Remind you of a school game?
BUNDLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know it's cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.

My wife asked me to feed our 8 month old daughter. Hope she likes chips and beer.

I added my daughter on facebook yesterday,
now people will just laugh when she says "my daddy is poking me"

I got into a philosophical discussion today.
I argued, "We have no proof whatsoever of a God or a heaven. I strongly believe that when you die, you are buried in the ground and eaten by the worms. Any concept of a soul is scientifically impossible, and all thoughts and emotions are purely chemical illusions of the human brain. Life, really is just a series of meaningless events..."
It was at this point that my seven-year-old daughter began to cry.

Dear Children
When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me.
Sincerely The Bogeyman

I resent being forced into complimenting my friend's children for doing things that are simply part of being human and take no special skill.
Can you believe how big Bobby is now? Oh wow, Bobby is so good at growing. You got a real grower there.

Went into an abortion clinic the other day. They boasted "Service with a smile!"
God I love Henry Hoovers!

The other day, my neighbour's son lost all his fingers in a tragic accident, i felt so sorry for him i went out and bought him an Ipod touch.

"What's that Timmy? All of your friends have changed their facebook pictures to cartoons? Well, that's okay then, no beatings tonight."

After being told I can't discipline my kids, Social Services have now gone one step further, and decided to take full custody of them.
Apparently, after already having had a previous warning, glueing them together in my garden shed, is just a step too far this time.
I'm just so confused. What happened to if you can't beat them, join them?

Me and the Wife have called our new baby boy 'Large'.
We pulled his name out of a Hat.

Some kids were having a water fight on the street earlier, so I rushed out with the element of surprised and squirted all of their faces.
Then I got my Water-Gun out.

Little Johnny : "Where's my Fork and Knife?".
Mum : "Beside your Fork and Plate, and stop swearing"

when someone drops their phone, i react as if they dropped a newborn baby.
i laugh and i stamp on it

It was my 3 year old son's birthday last week, and he really wanted a Buzz Lightyear toy.
I searched high and low for it, from shop to shop. Finally, after hours of looking, I found it, but it was fifty quid. I thought that was a bit expensive, but I bought it anyway.
He opened his present on his birthday, and was so excited that he dropped Buzz on the floor and his head fell off. I couldn't believe it!
At least the toy was still in one piece.

You could tell I was going to fail as a parent from the moment I fired up the chain saw to cut my sons umbilical cord...

My young son loves nothing more than sitting for hours cutting things up.
I think he's going to be a bus driver when he grows up.

I love it when it starts getting dark when the kids are finishing school.

If your child is afraid of the dark you can ease their fears by telling them monsters see better with the lights on.

After my wife said I was tightfisted, I've finally agreed to let my kids get their faces painted.
It gives me the chance to get rid of those old tins of gloss in the shed.

My neighbours daughter is an annoying little squirt, my bed sheets are soaked.

My jokes are like golden showers. Probably inappropriate for children, but fun to share with them, all the same.