Well I guess it's almost that time again, Easter.
when I can call my son an egghead and he smiles and considers it a great holiday joke,
rather then presuming I'm having another go at him because of his chemotherapy.

I was looking through my girlfriends old school reports.
Last year she started drawing inside the lines.

A man is driving his five year old to a friends house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnt make it right, and I dont ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

I sat as my wife was dying over her bed.
"Dave," she croaked. "Promise me...Promise you'll make sure our children are well looked after."
"Don't worry babe," I replied. "I've already got a lovely couple lined up; they'll be great foster parents."

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"

The kids love coming to my house to play with the toys...
A Rampant Rabbit feels loads better than an Action Man.

According to the new Cow and Gate advert, 'some babies don't get enough iron'.
In all fairness, it is a bit dark down in the mines.

'Woman hides 3 baby bodies in wardrobe for 20years'
Police are looking to question Mr Tumnus, Aslan and the White Witch

I saw a sign outside a school the other day that read: ''Parking here could cost a child's life''. Surely a few points on your license, or a fine would be a lot easier, right?

In the eyes of the lord i'm sure these trigonometry jokes are a sin.

My baby boy has been on solids for three and a half weeks
This must be the slowest game of pool I've ever played.

Things haven't changed that much in the past twenty years. We used to play cowboys and Indians, and today I saw my son and his mate playing builders and call-centre operators.

Today, a little kid that looked to be about five came up to me. He asked me,"Wanna see me run to China and back?" I said yes, thinking he was going to stand in the same spot and say,"Wanna see me do it again?". Instead, he ran down the street and disappeared from sight. I haven't seen him since.

Kids,
Don't waste time looking before you cross the road - that ice cream van won't wait forever.

I said to my son, "Either you tell your mother what you've done, or I will. Choice is yours, me or you?"
He shouted, "MUM, DAD DID IT."

There are so many fat kids about today and people are complaining! the way I see it there are 3 advantages to it
1: They are more tempted by sweets to come to your car
2: They cant run away to fast from you
and 3: more cushion for the pushing

Just found out that the average cost of bringing up a child is 186,000.
Now where did i put that spade. . .

My son was having a bit of a tantrum this morning and Im ashamed to say I over-reacted a bit.
I put him up for adoption.

Went down to the running track this morning, and ended up pulling my groin.
I couldn't help it. Seeing all those little athletics kids in spandex pushed me over the edge . . . .

Why is the speed limit so low around primary schools? So you can pick out the one you want...?

My kids got to see Puss in Boots tonight.
I have terribly infected feet you see.

My mate asked me earlier if I had any regrets in life.
"Probably just about children to be honest" I said.
"But don't you have 5 kids?" he asked.
"Precisely" I sighed.

After thirty years of wondering why he didn't look like his sister and brother Mark asked his mother if he had been adopted.
' Yes, ' she replied tearfully, ' but it didn't work out so they sent you back. '

I had a beautiful baby girl this morning.
Her mother'll kill me if I can't find it before she gets home

More people should me made aware of child abuse!
They don't know what they're missing!